Hokey Pokey

I don't want to sit here and accuse people. I don't want to sulk in my anger. I don't want to speak with contempt towards something meant to equip me.

But then again maybe I want to. Maybe I should just say "I shouldn't" rather than "I don't want to"

Last time I checked I'm a sinner. Redeemed? Yes. No longer human? Not exactly.

I feel like I've said this a billion times before, but here goes a billion and one:

I AM NOT MEANT TO BE A ROBOT!

so get your dang tools off me...

Have you realized we're all being equipped for the Kingdom of God as it is now for the Kingdom of God yet to be revealed?

I love the song by Deluge Band where it says, "We won't be satisfied with anything ordinary. We won't be satisfied at all! Open up the sky, fall down like rain! We don't want blessing, we want You."

Do we? I mean, fine...I'll stop talking to you. Do I?!

The last time I checked I have been satisfied. I have filled myself up with puff rather than let God fill me up.

Back to my question: Have you realized we're all being equipped for the Kingdom of God as it is now for the Kingdom of God yet to be revealed?

So why are we making everyone a hand? (1Corinthians12.15) I feel like that freaking foot.

I have been told what to care for, who to have a heart for, and what orphans to take care of so long as I call myself a member of the church.

I'm not bitter. I am angry. I SAID IT! I am angry.

I have received glares from people whom I'm supposed to trust because I don't have a heart for the same thing they do.

Corina's mom made me feel like a million bucks just by simply stating (which she didn't realize how long I've studied what she said), "Not everyone has a heart for the same thing. I love the youth, but that doesn't mean you have to have the same heart for them."

When she said that statement it didn't sit well with me. I had all this conflicting information within me. I had all this experience with leadership giving me steps on being a leader and...well...that's pretty much it.

1.) Love people
2.) Get involved with youth leadership
3.) Smile off your uncertainty

I have had to spend the past two months breaking off the bondage of that crap! Who knew it would do so much damage?

I don't even know what I have a heart for any longer because I had all these people telling me what's the best route to achieve what they want for my life!

I felt like I had to love all these things everyone around me loved just to fit in.

Joshua22.5 says, "Love the LORD and follow His plans for your lives. Cling to Him and serve Him enthusiastically."

I stopped being enthusiastic a long time ago. I realized I had this huge disinterest in everything I "loved" and "had a heart for" but I pressed on because it was what I was supposed to do. It was just a bump in the road for me, and the reason God wasn't blessing me with this incredible sense of urgency for high school and middle school students was from something I must've done. I probably just needed to continue on down this road and repent of every second I went over the speed limit or for every time I farted in school and blamed it on someone else. I mean, I had to have done something wrong because I was convinced God just didn't like me!

Not that He hated me...oh no. I would always tell myself God loves me no matter what I do. But like me? Not so much.

The unconditional statement (not action) of love and the conditional like was all too familiar for me. I knew it better than the back of my hand...but that's only because I don't know many people who are intimately in love with the back of their hand so much that they must stare at it and know it so much. But that's another story entirely...

This isn't to be like "You dang Christian's! It's all your fault I'm confused right now!" No. I'm one of those "dang Christian's" because I don't believe it's proper for believers of Yahweh to say that about anyone living under the title "Christian"

Some of us are radical. Some of us are trapped. Some of us run around screaming in the woods. Some of us see into the spiritual realm. Some of us refuse a Heaven. Some of us pray when we need something. Some of us never stop praying. Some of us have caught the revelation of freedom. Some of us still believe in life unabundant before the Cross.

That's where the hands of Christ are. That's where you'll find the feet. That's where you'll find the liver and the heart and the brain and the large intestine and the gall bladder and the kidneys and the biceps and kneecaps and thighs of the body of Christ.

Some wrists are still chained!

Some ankles are still in shackles!

Some eyes are still blind!

Some ears are still deaf!

Why? Because we haven't fully grasped that not everyone is the same. We love the same God, but rarely in the same way.

Look for the "Dancing Man" (pardon me for not knowing his actual name) on Sunday mornings in the front of section 8, or on the left front side of Revival Town. He loves God with dance. Look for the man playing with his child outside of section 10 with a pink and green bouncy ball. He loves God by allowing his wife to enjoy worship while he calms his fussy child outside. Look for any pastor preaching a message. They love God by following a call from Christ to preach the Good News! Look for the weeping women. They love God with their tears. Look for the musician. They love God with their music.

Then look outside of the church. I don't personally know any of these people I've seen. NOT ONE. Do they still dance? play? serve? preach? cry? sing?

We call a building the church when in actuality, absent of its people, there is no church, because there is no body. There are no human forms making up the body of Christ, called the TEMPLE OF GOD (aka the church) making up the x amount of walls within this building.

You can't do church because you just are. You are the church because you are a part of the body of Christ.

I mean, I know I've heard it a billion times but never understood it. The building is not the church, I am the church. You are the church. Your friend is the church. Your mom and dad are the church. That annoying kid in freshman hallway is the church.

If we're living for a Kingdom not of this world, how come we're living just like the ones living for this one?

We're not meant for the mundane life! And we're certainly not meant for the same life!

Some of you will live long. Some of you will die young. Some of you will be prosperous. Some of you won't have a dime to your name. Some of you will travel. Some of you will stay put and impact your town. Some of you will build homes for orphans and widows. Some of you will build homes for millionaires. Some of you will run for office. Some of you will protest the government. Some of you will marry. Some of you will not. Some of you will experience parenthood. Some of you may become the mother or father of 100 orphans. Some of you will kill materialism. Some of you will build businesses. Some of you will be youth pastors or senior pastors. Some of you will sing hope to atheists. Some of you will be killed for your faith. Some of you will lay down your life daily for the cause of Christ. Some of you will rescue prostitutes. Some of you will become the janitor of a high school and lead a revival there.

So if we aren't all hands, why do we live as such. What a weird looking body, huh? Our feet trying to transform into hands and our liver and even our butt! Christ doesn't look weird. He does weird things, yes (weird by the fact of how countercultural He is) but He doesn't look weird. He's beautiful. He IS beauty. He is He is He IS! A person consisting only of hands probably wouldn't be that beautiful...

So stop making the church that way! Seriously, I can't tell you how freeing it was to realize I wasn't the same part as you, dear reader. I don't know where I go from here, but the fact that I'm free from the chains of mundane life and routine means I'm finally open and breathing easy the plans God has for me. So free yourself! If you have a heart for high school students THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for the homeless THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for prophecy THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for the arts THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for orphans THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for serving THEN DO IT!

Whatever your unique gift, spiritual or just plain talent, ask God how He will use it! And don't just go with the flow of things. Paddle against the current. You'll get nice muscles.

It is terrifying to step out in faith on the things God wants us to do. We are young. People will hate you for it. People will probably tell you to get a high-paying job (which isn't a bad thing...but if it's not your call don't sell yourself!) find a spouse, pop out a few, and die.

Which, like my last post reminded you: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE! What are you living for?

"Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are; help us to spend them as we should." Psalm90.12

Just a ton of verses

I started writing down the verses that really stuck out to me rather than just marking up the page.

This entry is what I've written in my personal journal.

FEBRUARY18TH

Beware! Don't always be wishing for what you don't have. For REAL life and REAL living are not related to how rich we are.

He will always give you all you need from day to day if you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.

But is was only with their words they followed Him, not with their hearts.

But anyone who is not aware that he is doing wrong will be punished only lightly. Much is required from those to whom much is given, for their responsibility is greater.

FEBRUARY19TH

How He loves His people -His holy ones are in His hands.

O Jerusalem, Jerusalem! The city that murders the prophets. The city that stones those sent to help her. How often I have wanted to gather your children together even as a hen protects he brood under her wings, but you wouldn't let Me.

FEBRUARY20TH

Think of it! The Ark of God, who is LORD of the whole earth, will lead you across the river.

"Come up from the riverbed." the LORD now told him to command them.

So no one can become my disciple unless he first sits down and counts his blessings -then renounces them all for Me.

FEBRUARY21ST

Rescue the poor and helpless from the grasp of evil men.

The good man wins his case by careful argument; the evil-minded only wants to fight. Self-control means controlling the tongue! A quick retort can ruin everything.

"Don't be afraid of them," the LORD said to Joshua, "for they are already defeated! I have given them to you to destroy. Not a single one of them will be able to stand up to you."

So the sun stopped in the heavens and stayed there for almost twenty-four hours! There has never been such a day before, and there has never been another since, when the LORD stopped the sun and moon -ALL BECAUSE OF THE PRAYER OF ONE MAN.

FEBRUARY22ND

The Kingdom of God isn't ushered in with visible signs. You won't be able to say, 'It has begun here in this place or there in that part of the country.' For the Kingdom of God is within you.

For Jehovah God is our Light and Protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will He withhold from those who walk along His paths.

...the LORD God was their inheritance. He was all they needed.

But the question is: When I, the Messiah, return, how many will I find who have faith and are praying?

But God's angry displeasure erupts as acts of human mistrust and wrongdoing and lying accumulate, as people try to put a shroud over truth. But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is! By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can't see: eternal power, for instance and the mystery of His divine being. So nobody has a good excuse. What happened was this: people knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat Him like God, refusing to worship Him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives. They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life. They traded the glory of God who holds the whole world in His hands for figurines you can buy at any roadside stand.

They know perfectly well they're spitting in God's face. And they don't care -worse, they hand out prizes to those who do the worst things best.

Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgemental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done.

In kindness He takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.

God pays no attention to what others say (or what you think) about you. He makes up His own mind.

But if God Himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of Him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won't know what we're talking about. But for you who welcome Him, in whom He dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God's terms. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, He'll do the same thing in you that He did in Jesus, bringing you alive to Himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and He does, as surely as he did in Jesus!), you are delivered from that dead life. With His Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ's! So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with Him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with Him!

FEBRUARY23RD

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God. Those who heard Him say this exclaimed, "If it is that hard, how can anyone be saved?" He replied, "God can do what men can't!"

O LORD, You are so good and kind, so ready to forgive; so full of mercy for all who ask Your aid.

For You are great, and do great miracles. You alone are God. Tell me where You want me to go and I will go there. May every fiber of my being unite in reverence to Your name. With all my heart I will praise You. I will give glory to Your name forever, for You love me so much! You are constantly so kind! You have rescued me from deepest hell.

There is a stirring in my heart for something greater than I.
There is a stirring in my mind for something greater than this.
There is a stirring in my spirit for something greater than life.
There is a stirring in me; become less.

I'm well planned out. And by "well planned out" I mean, I have to have every little detail before I plunge in to something, and thus I never ask any questions in order to avoid that plunge.

But that's not what God wants from me right now, or ever, is it?

Maybe this current testing of my faith has more to do with willingness than whether or not I believe.

I mean, I have knowledge, don't get me wrong. I KNOW God provides. I KNOW God is always there. But do I believe it? I'd like to think I do...

I know not to test Him. I know it. But I still do it all the time. "Hey God...if you love me, show me." When the very sunrise that morning proved His love. When the very breath in my lungs and the absence of guilt reminds me daily, no millisecondly, that HE LOVES ME!

So why, why, WHY do I doubt?

This is pretty much what my brain sounds like right now:

Well, if faith is a God-given thing, am I supposed to stretch my faith?

Am I supposed to be waiting on You to stretch my lack of faith in You?

What if this detail doesn't work out? What if I don't have the money to do it?

What if no one goes with me, and I'm completely alone in this?

What if this really isn't You calling me to do it and I should just sit back and relax?

I wish I could sit and say God answered all my questions one by one. Instead, He just knocked them all apart by simply stating, "Just trust Me."

Ju...just...Just TRUST You!? Well...how the crap do I go abou-

Just trust Me.

Well what about all these things I haven-

Just trust Me.

Every question is answered "Just trust Me."

Frustrating, yes. Hopeful, trying to be. Doubtful, ridiculously yes. Needing God, more than ever.

I think I may have thought I tricked God into thinking I could do this all on my own. But I can't even trick Him! He knows how much I depend on Him. And since He's reading this right now,

GOD I FREAKING DEPEND ON YOU! Okay?! I get it I get it I get it! Now make me believe it.

It's been this constant nagging in my brain whether we're supposed to stretch our faith or if God does it. If we're supposed to, what does that look like? Are we supposed to go out on a limb and just do things, whether or not we heard God, in order to do stuff? Does it just mean going out on the street for treasure hunts because we all have the ability to heal? I mean WHAT THE HECK DO I DO!?

Just trust Me.

How the crap do I do that?

I mean, I grew up in a Christian home. I grew up hearing old women babbling away in some weird language (which I would later come to know as the beautiful gift of speaking in tongues). I heard it. I was around it. I didn't understand it, but I dealt with it.

After giving into the ways of the world and running back to God's arms after hating Him for six years I was all in.

Back then I believed I could do anything!

So why would knowing more of Him, and hearing more of His word make me shy away from the gifts of the Spirit?

I allowed fear of man, even Christians, to creep in and overthrow my sanity. Or wait...maybe to "keep me sane" because allowing the Holy Spirit to completely overrun your life doesn't look very sane to the average human.

I want to know that resurrections aren't just for Mexico. I want to know that jewels aren't just for every place but where I'm at. I want to see that dang gold dust. I want manna in my Bible. I want to know the persecution of being a believer.

Because all I know right now is what it's like to be told "it can't be done"

Why?!

I firmly believe the Holy Spirit is moving and alive today. Speaking in Tongues is beautiful. Interpreting Tongues is beautiful. Prophesy is beautiful. Miracles are beautiful.

So why are we settling for ugly? For the longest time I wanted anything but these gifts. I thought they were stupid and for other people because I was taught that! I was taught these gifts are for old women and their matching pale green suits.

"You're just a kid, you've got your whole life ahead of you!"

Well, then I might as well still be on drugs. I might as well be drinking away my liver. I might as well go out and sleep around with as many people as possible, man and woman, because I've got my whole life ahead of me. Sure!

PUKE!

I am just a kid, and I DO have my whole life ahead of me. I'd rather throw it at the foot of the Cross saying "Do what You will" than throwing me, a pearl of Heaven, to the swine (media, culture, careers)

I'm willing to accept I probably won't be very financially sound.

I probably won't be living too glamorous a lifestyle.

I probably will be laughed at, spit on, cursed, and beaten.

I might go months without a home.

I might preach the Gospel to those who hate it.

I might die in a car wreck in ten minutes.

I might die an old lady.

No matter what, I'm going to die.

You're going to die.

Shocking, isn't it?

If it's for Christ, I want to do it. If it's from Christ, I want it.

None of us are making it out of here alive. I'd rather live to allow light, than to stand in the shadows.