There is a stirring in my mind for something greater than this.
There is a stirring in my spirit for something greater than life.
There is a stirring in me; become less.
I'm well planned out. And by "well planned out" I mean, I have to have every little detail before I plunge in to something, and thus I never ask any questions in order to avoid that plunge.
But that's not what God wants from me right now, or ever, is it?
Maybe this current testing of my faith has more to do with willingness than whether or not I believe.
I mean, I have knowledge, don't get me wrong. I KNOW God provides. I KNOW God is always there. But do I believe it? I'd like to think I do...
I know not to test Him. I know it. But I still do it all the time. "Hey God...if you love me, show me." When the very sunrise that morning proved His love. When the very breath in my lungs and the absence of guilt reminds me daily, no millisecondly, that HE LOVES ME!
So why, why, WHY do I doubt?
This is pretty much what my brain sounds like right now:
Well, if faith is a God-given thing, am I supposed to stretch my faith?
Am I supposed to be waiting on You to stretch my lack of faith in You?
What if this detail doesn't work out? What if I don't have the money to do it?
What if no one goes with me, and I'm completely alone in this?
What if this really isn't You calling me to do it and I should just sit back and relax?
I wish I could sit and say God answered all my questions one by one. Instead, He just knocked them all apart by simply stating, "Just trust Me."
Ju...just...Just TRUST You!? Well...how the crap do I go abou-
Just trust Me.
Well what about all these things I haven-
Just trust Me.
Every question is answered "Just trust Me."
Frustrating, yes. Hopeful, trying to be. Doubtful, ridiculously yes. Needing God, more than ever.
I think I may have thought I tricked God into thinking I could do this all on my own. But I can't even trick Him! He knows how much I depend on Him. And since He's reading this right now,
GOD I FREAKING DEPEND ON YOU! Okay?! I get it I get it I get it! Now make me believe it.
It's been this constant nagging in my brain whether we're supposed to stretch our faith or if God does it. If we're supposed to, what does that look like? Are we supposed to go out on a limb and just do things, whether or not we heard God, in order to do stuff? Does it just mean going out on the street for treasure hunts because we all have the ability to heal? I mean WHAT THE HECK DO I DO!?
Just trust Me.
How the crap do I do that?
I mean, I grew up in a Christian home. I grew up hearing old women babbling away in some weird language (which I would later come to know as the beautiful gift of speaking in tongues). I heard it. I was around it. I didn't understand it, but I dealt with it.
After giving into the ways of the world and running back to God's arms after hating Him for six years I was all in.
Back then I believed I could do anything!
So why would knowing more of Him, and hearing more of His word make me shy away from the gifts of the Spirit?
I allowed fear of man, even Christians, to creep in and overthrow my sanity. Or wait...maybe to "keep me sane" because allowing the Holy Spirit to completely overrun your life doesn't look very sane to the average human.
I want to know that resurrections aren't just for Mexico. I want to know that jewels aren't just for every place but where I'm at. I want to see that dang gold dust. I want manna in my Bible. I want to know the persecution of being a believer.
Because all I know right now is what it's like to be told "it can't be done"
Why?!
I firmly believe the Holy Spirit is moving and alive today. Speaking in Tongues is beautiful. Interpreting Tongues is beautiful. Prophesy is beautiful. Miracles are beautiful.
So why are we settling for ugly? For the longest time I wanted anything but these gifts. I thought they were stupid and for other people because I was taught that! I was taught these gifts are for old women and their matching pale green suits.
"You're just a kid, you've got your whole life ahead of you!"
Well, then I might as well still be on drugs. I might as well be drinking away my liver. I might as well go out and sleep around with as many people as possible, man and woman, because I've got my whole life ahead of me. Sure!
PUKE!
I am just a kid, and I DO have my whole life ahead of me. I'd rather throw it at the foot of the Cross saying "Do what You will" than throwing me, a pearl of Heaven, to the swine (media, culture, careers)
I'm willing to accept I probably won't be very financially sound.
I probably won't be living too glamorous a lifestyle.
I probably will be laughed at, spit on, cursed, and beaten.
I might go months without a home.
I might preach the Gospel to those who hate it.
I might die in a car wreck in ten minutes.
I might die an old lady.
No matter what, I'm going to die.
You're going to die.
Shocking, isn't it?
If it's for Christ, I want to do it. If it's from Christ, I want it.
None of us are making it out of here alive. I'd rather live to allow light, than to stand in the shadows.
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