Fizzl'd Fruits Skittles suck. But they're good when you eat them hot.





ANYWAYS.




This is probably going to be very simple, direct, a little bit angry, and said with tears.



I'm freaking tired of seeing other people living my dream.

I don't remember what it is to have dreams because I'm so busy watching other people live theirs.

I want to go, but I just stay.
I want to sing, but I just stay quiet.
I want to dance, but I keep my feet in place.
I want to see, but I keep my eyes shut.
I want to speak, but I have glued my lips together.
I want to write, but I have cut off my hands.



I don't even remember freedom.

You must obey God rather than man if you're in awe.
-Badlands by the Psalters


This past weekend I took a wee bit of a trip to New Mexico. While there, it wasn't the most exhilirating experience of my entire life (though, past trips have been), I realized something about everywhere:

Roads.

Now, until I actually wrote the word "roads" I was originally not going to make some profound statement, but that's the way God works in me. It just hits me.

BUT! I will start off with the obvious. There are roads EVERYWHERE. It doesn't make any sense how someone could've gone all the way down Raton Pass just to explore, and then discover Ute Lake all the way out in the middle of butt no where and decide it'd be a good investment to pave roads all the way out to that point.

I mean...someone discovered that place! It's just so ridiculous to think of. Maybe you're not catching the same revelation, in which I believe you should go on a drive (right. freaking. now.) in the country and look around.

Two feet from the road isn't paved, so why didn't they pave there? How long did it take them to pave all these dang roads all the way out into the middle of NO WHERE? How much did it cost? Was is a businessman proposing it to be a good move to pave all the way out there? or was it just a farmer claiming his land? I DON'T KNOW AND IT BOGGLES MY BRAIN!

I've been out to New Mexico quite a few times, but this time it hit me. If the United States, even from the short 7 hour distance between Colorado and New Mexico, is HUGE -how much bigger is the world? And then how much bigger is the universe! And then how much bigger is GOD!

The news can make us aware of the different parts of the world, but until you're out there it doesn't make sense to accept you're small.

I'm tiny. I'm a speck. You're a speck. We specks have stories, but we specks are still tiny!

It doesn't make sense to pave roads all the way out into the middle of no where just so that one person per 20 miles can have a ranch. It doesn't make sense, but it's still there and I am so thankful for it!

Spending time on Ute Lake and seeing Mills Canyon atop a 500 foot cliff changes my perspective on things.

EPIC TRANSITION!

I don't want to spend my life following the paths of city streets. I don't want to go to the same destination as everyone. I want to drive on those back country roads, seemingly leading to no where, and occasionally off-roading it in order to find a jewel of Jesus.

Naturally this is all metaphorical for life pavement.

Maybe you want to follow in the footsteps of others and possibly make it even better than they did. Maybe you want to start where they left off.

Maybe you're like me and want to do something completely different.

Maybe you want to take the dangerous route (and if you want to be literal about it, I would suggest going here for entertainment)

I'm going to go where no one's gone before. You should consider doing the same.

Life abundant...powered by Duracell.

I get in a funk every once in a while. Right now, I'm not in that funk but I long for the day where I am again.

It's an undeniable need to get rid of things. Everything. Discard waste in my life. Start new.

I'm waiting for the day I want to be quiet again. Granted, no one around me enjoys when I'm in that time, but it's so so good. I actually THINK before I say, and thus I barely say anything.

I currently fill up the air with meaningless chatter.

Just recently I cleaned my whole room. There were things I even thought of keeping because I might "one day need it"

vocabulary papers from 7th grade until my senior year, algebra homework (just in case, right?), drawings from old friends, college letters, destroyed purses, keys, stuffed animals, a six year old coconut (long story), used batteries.

You name it, I probably thought about keeping it.

I was ruled by STUFF. I was stuck by STUFF. Granted, I still have a lot of stuff laying around but I realize now it's just...stuff.

If a fire comes, I am not my piano. If a flood comes, I am not my Mozart statue. If the ground swallows my house, I'm not my old journals.

No matter how much I said it wouldn't matter to lose this stuff, I'd still mourn as though a close friend died. Call me crazy, but examine yourself and then get back to me.

The worst part is I couldn't see it! I couldn't see that I was ruled by my stuff. I didn't need this stuff at all times, but knowing the order of things and where things were at just in case meant I had control.

It didn't come in the form of normal materialism because half this stuff I got at Goodwill or from friends. Worthless things. Useless things. Cheap stuff.

I would actually risk my life in a fire for my dang Korg. Granted, yes I am a musician and that thing is the most expensive and useful thing in my entire room, but risk my life for it?! I am priceless and that thing DOES have a price.

If Jesus were to come back in this lifetime, I don't want to be one of the millions of people grabbing stuff. Heaven's got the sickest pianos ever. Why would I want something made by humans hands?!

I say this with heavy conviction:

I need to get away from it all.

I want to live in the woods and experience an "Into the Wild" lifestyle. Even for a week.

Every second I hear noise. Whether it has a positive or negative effect on my day depends on what I'm hearing...

I want to walk places. Get my feet dirty. Scuff up my knees. Climb mountainous trails. Run barefoot.

Nature is my new iPod. The wind is the atmosphere. Animal footsteps are the bassline. Rain is the melody. Thunder is the drumline.

Give me that! Give me something to sing and worship to! If even for a week...

I'm just tired of the mundane.

Yes, I love music. Yes, I love technology. Yes, I love convenience.

But I can't help but think about Jesus living today. What would He use? Would He drive (if so, He'd use His turn signal!)? Would He ride a bike (probably, because bikes are AWESOME)?

Even for a week, I want to experience that life. No tent. No transportation other than what God glued at the bottom of my legs. No extras. No home. Nothing.

Flying free.

And now I regret saying this all because I feel like I can't even do it. Like I long and want to...but then I keep thinking, "Well I'll have to plan it all out and what if it rains?"

I want to trust God. I want wisdom like Solomon. I want freedom like Jesus. I want mission like Moses. I want revelation like Paul.

I want life and life abundant. Even if I have to go it alone.

I will start off with lyrics from Take It Back!

Hollow Eyes:

From the window of my middle class home I watch a man as he sits alone in the dirty streets. The cardboard under his feet screams about all his cold nights spent alone. People pass but no one seems to notice...his empty hands, hollow eyes, broken soul, and his need, need, need for just one person to care... So which of these words will bring him comfort? It is sympathy not empathy I feel as I sit and watch from my suburban castle. Living a life I will never know, I saw a man walking through the snow. For this lonely man the picture in his hand is all that’s left of the life that he used to know. The time goes by but no one seems to notice...his empty hands, hollow eyes, broken soul, and his need, need, need for just one person to care. So which of these words will bring him comfort? Cause it’s sympathy not empathy I feel as I sit and watch from my suburban castle... And now I realize that all of this means nothing without action. I will not just sing. I refuse to just sing songs about how hard life can be, while others lead lives that are more difficult than anything I can ever imagine. I’ll be a source of light in this dark world, a catalyst in this stagnant generation. I will use love to overcome this dark world...love to overcome this dark world.

I would suggest you go listen to it =)



But on to the reason of this blog...PLANS

I find myself sitting in one of five locations every day.

I'm either on my chair, on my bed, on the single seater downstairs, in my car, or the back row of the WPC.

I'm always sitting. Sitting sitting sitting. If I walk or drive somewhere, it's usually to go and sit. Granted, I'll be doing something along with that sitting, but it still remains that I am in a seated position.

I am so stationary. I can feel my spirit walking off without me. Dreaming about where it could be headed, who it could be talking to or impacting. My spirit longs for interaction. And yet here I am...sitting.

"Well, get up and do something"

Such a simple command and yet so freaking difficult to perform.

I feel stuck. I feel ambitious, but stuck.

I dream of salvation's and venues and planes and England and dirty feet and rejects and random houses and worship and the coming Kingdom!

But I'm just sitting. I don't know how to do it. I feel so incapable to even stand up. Literally and metaphorically. I am Nehemiah and I see a great need. I can't keep waiting to receive dreams like Joseph or hear a voice like Moses. What I didn't allow God to say was, "your call is different."

I mean, I'm a dreamer. I dream BIG and LOUD and a LOT. I kept dreaming other people's dreams and expecting that to be my life call. I dreamed of money and certain regions of the world because that's what I thought I had to dream about.

I was so bent on becoming what everyone else was so that I would "live radical" but still live like everyone else.

It's like, "you're unique! Just like everyone else..."

This past week I was having a particularly hard time with this concept of being like Nehemiah and being allowed to go after the needs I, personally, see that maybe other people aren't equipped for.

During my daily reading on Sunday I came across these verses:

"Help me to prefer obedience to making money! Turn me away from wanting any other plan than Yours. Revive my heart toward You. Reassure me that Your promises are for me, for I trust and revere You." Psalm119.36-38

"We can make our plans, but the final outcome is in God's hands. We can always 'prove' that we are right, but is the LORD convinced? Commit your work to the LORD, then it will succeed." Proverbs16.1-3

Half of me wanted to throw my Bible across the room, and the other half wanted to crack up. I chose to crack up.

I mean, I can NOT do this alone. It's too big of a job for me to accomplish this dream I have. I can't do it. Then came along Romans4 and kicked me in the butt:

"...But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust Him to do it -you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked - well, that trusting-Him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift." (verses 4 and 5)

I keep wanting to say that I'm too dumb to accomplish this. But in actuality, if I were smarter and more skilled in the art of math or some crap like that, God would probably have me make buildings or million dollar homes and strategically place Bible verses on the insides of their walls or their toilet seats. If I were smarter and had different passion I would have a different call on my life. What a freaking revelation, huh?

But I am who I am. I'm not book smart, I'm not math smart, I'm not intellectual, I'm not a cook, I'm not a salesperson, I'm not physically strong, I'm not model material, I'm not an actress, I'm not an entrepreneur, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a pastor, I'm not a worship leader, I'm not an American Idol (ughhhh), I'm not a slave to society. I'm just not. I bury those dreams other people had for me and I'm going to move on.

"In kindness He takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life change" Romans2.4b

I've been so comfortable under this blanket of discomfort. I throw my dreams aside in order to refuse a life so beyond radical. I've allowed myself to live a mundane life, attempting to make something I, personally, can not make adventurous.

Of course, reader, your adventure looks so much different than mine. The life that I don't want, could very well be the life you long for! Not for being "safe" and "boring" but because YOU find it radical and inspiring.

That's the beauty of it! WE'RE DIFFERENT. Holy crap, I said it. We're different.

God uses societal-proclaimed idiots to change the world. God uses geniuses to change the medical field. God uses outstanding personalities to change television. God uses landscapers to enhance the beauty He is in a front yard. God uses athletes to run for a cause.

I want my prayers to be as powerful as Joshua's. I want to make vows to God on what big things I'm going to do in life and keep those vows by trusting Him to do it. I want to deny a grave-tending life and live adventurously expectant (Romans8.15 in the message)! I'm going to love the LORD and follow His plans for my life (Joshua22.5b). I'm going to allow God to teach me to number my days and recognize how few they are (Psalm90.12).

"Leave your impoverished confusion and live! Walk up the street to a life with meaning." Proverbs9.6

Seriously guys, if you feel ANYTHING in this just makes sense to you, if you have the same cry...let me know.

I'm choosing to live.

I want to make a small admittance at the end of each week.

This weeks admittance:

I feel like a big sack of smelly crap. That is all.

Hokey Pokey

I don't want to sit here and accuse people. I don't want to sulk in my anger. I don't want to speak with contempt towards something meant to equip me.

But then again maybe I want to. Maybe I should just say "I shouldn't" rather than "I don't want to"

Last time I checked I'm a sinner. Redeemed? Yes. No longer human? Not exactly.

I feel like I've said this a billion times before, but here goes a billion and one:

I AM NOT MEANT TO BE A ROBOT!

so get your dang tools off me...

Have you realized we're all being equipped for the Kingdom of God as it is now for the Kingdom of God yet to be revealed?

I love the song by Deluge Band where it says, "We won't be satisfied with anything ordinary. We won't be satisfied at all! Open up the sky, fall down like rain! We don't want blessing, we want You."

Do we? I mean, fine...I'll stop talking to you. Do I?!

The last time I checked I have been satisfied. I have filled myself up with puff rather than let God fill me up.

Back to my question: Have you realized we're all being equipped for the Kingdom of God as it is now for the Kingdom of God yet to be revealed?

So why are we making everyone a hand? (1Corinthians12.15) I feel like that freaking foot.

I have been told what to care for, who to have a heart for, and what orphans to take care of so long as I call myself a member of the church.

I'm not bitter. I am angry. I SAID IT! I am angry.

I have received glares from people whom I'm supposed to trust because I don't have a heart for the same thing they do.

Corina's mom made me feel like a million bucks just by simply stating (which she didn't realize how long I've studied what she said), "Not everyone has a heart for the same thing. I love the youth, but that doesn't mean you have to have the same heart for them."

When she said that statement it didn't sit well with me. I had all this conflicting information within me. I had all this experience with leadership giving me steps on being a leader and...well...that's pretty much it.

1.) Love people
2.) Get involved with youth leadership
3.) Smile off your uncertainty

I have had to spend the past two months breaking off the bondage of that crap! Who knew it would do so much damage?

I don't even know what I have a heart for any longer because I had all these people telling me what's the best route to achieve what they want for my life!

I felt like I had to love all these things everyone around me loved just to fit in.

Joshua22.5 says, "Love the LORD and follow His plans for your lives. Cling to Him and serve Him enthusiastically."

I stopped being enthusiastic a long time ago. I realized I had this huge disinterest in everything I "loved" and "had a heart for" but I pressed on because it was what I was supposed to do. It was just a bump in the road for me, and the reason God wasn't blessing me with this incredible sense of urgency for high school and middle school students was from something I must've done. I probably just needed to continue on down this road and repent of every second I went over the speed limit or for every time I farted in school and blamed it on someone else. I mean, I had to have done something wrong because I was convinced God just didn't like me!

Not that He hated me...oh no. I would always tell myself God loves me no matter what I do. But like me? Not so much.

The unconditional statement (not action) of love and the conditional like was all too familiar for me. I knew it better than the back of my hand...but that's only because I don't know many people who are intimately in love with the back of their hand so much that they must stare at it and know it so much. But that's another story entirely...

This isn't to be like "You dang Christian's! It's all your fault I'm confused right now!" No. I'm one of those "dang Christian's" because I don't believe it's proper for believers of Yahweh to say that about anyone living under the title "Christian"

Some of us are radical. Some of us are trapped. Some of us run around screaming in the woods. Some of us see into the spiritual realm. Some of us refuse a Heaven. Some of us pray when we need something. Some of us never stop praying. Some of us have caught the revelation of freedom. Some of us still believe in life unabundant before the Cross.

That's where the hands of Christ are. That's where you'll find the feet. That's where you'll find the liver and the heart and the brain and the large intestine and the gall bladder and the kidneys and the biceps and kneecaps and thighs of the body of Christ.

Some wrists are still chained!

Some ankles are still in shackles!

Some eyes are still blind!

Some ears are still deaf!

Why? Because we haven't fully grasped that not everyone is the same. We love the same God, but rarely in the same way.

Look for the "Dancing Man" (pardon me for not knowing his actual name) on Sunday mornings in the front of section 8, or on the left front side of Revival Town. He loves God with dance. Look for the man playing with his child outside of section 10 with a pink and green bouncy ball. He loves God by allowing his wife to enjoy worship while he calms his fussy child outside. Look for any pastor preaching a message. They love God by following a call from Christ to preach the Good News! Look for the weeping women. They love God with their tears. Look for the musician. They love God with their music.

Then look outside of the church. I don't personally know any of these people I've seen. NOT ONE. Do they still dance? play? serve? preach? cry? sing?

We call a building the church when in actuality, absent of its people, there is no church, because there is no body. There are no human forms making up the body of Christ, called the TEMPLE OF GOD (aka the church) making up the x amount of walls within this building.

You can't do church because you just are. You are the church because you are a part of the body of Christ.

I mean, I know I've heard it a billion times but never understood it. The building is not the church, I am the church. You are the church. Your friend is the church. Your mom and dad are the church. That annoying kid in freshman hallway is the church.

If we're living for a Kingdom not of this world, how come we're living just like the ones living for this one?

We're not meant for the mundane life! And we're certainly not meant for the same life!

Some of you will live long. Some of you will die young. Some of you will be prosperous. Some of you won't have a dime to your name. Some of you will travel. Some of you will stay put and impact your town. Some of you will build homes for orphans and widows. Some of you will build homes for millionaires. Some of you will run for office. Some of you will protest the government. Some of you will marry. Some of you will not. Some of you will experience parenthood. Some of you may become the mother or father of 100 orphans. Some of you will kill materialism. Some of you will build businesses. Some of you will be youth pastors or senior pastors. Some of you will sing hope to atheists. Some of you will be killed for your faith. Some of you will lay down your life daily for the cause of Christ. Some of you will rescue prostitutes. Some of you will become the janitor of a high school and lead a revival there.

So if we aren't all hands, why do we live as such. What a weird looking body, huh? Our feet trying to transform into hands and our liver and even our butt! Christ doesn't look weird. He does weird things, yes (weird by the fact of how countercultural He is) but He doesn't look weird. He's beautiful. He IS beauty. He is He is He IS! A person consisting only of hands probably wouldn't be that beautiful...

So stop making the church that way! Seriously, I can't tell you how freeing it was to realize I wasn't the same part as you, dear reader. I don't know where I go from here, but the fact that I'm free from the chains of mundane life and routine means I'm finally open and breathing easy the plans God has for me. So free yourself! If you have a heart for high school students THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for the homeless THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for prophecy THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for the arts THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for orphans THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for serving THEN DO IT!

Whatever your unique gift, spiritual or just plain talent, ask God how He will use it! And don't just go with the flow of things. Paddle against the current. You'll get nice muscles.

It is terrifying to step out in faith on the things God wants us to do. We are young. People will hate you for it. People will probably tell you to get a high-paying job (which isn't a bad thing...but if it's not your call don't sell yourself!) find a spouse, pop out a few, and die.

Which, like my last post reminded you: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE! What are you living for?

"Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are; help us to spend them as we should." Psalm90.12

Just a ton of verses

I started writing down the verses that really stuck out to me rather than just marking up the page.

This entry is what I've written in my personal journal.

FEBRUARY18TH

Beware! Don't always be wishing for what you don't have. For REAL life and REAL living are not related to how rich we are.

He will always give you all you need from day to day if you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.

But is was only with their words they followed Him, not with their hearts.

But anyone who is not aware that he is doing wrong will be punished only lightly. Much is required from those to whom much is given, for their responsibility is greater.

FEBRUARY19TH

How He loves His people -His holy ones are in His hands.

O Jerusalem, Jerusalem! The city that murders the prophets. The city that stones those sent to help her. How often I have wanted to gather your children together even as a hen protects he brood under her wings, but you wouldn't let Me.

FEBRUARY20TH

Think of it! The Ark of God, who is LORD of the whole earth, will lead you across the river.

"Come up from the riverbed." the LORD now told him to command them.

So no one can become my disciple unless he first sits down and counts his blessings -then renounces them all for Me.

FEBRUARY21ST

Rescue the poor and helpless from the grasp of evil men.

The good man wins his case by careful argument; the evil-minded only wants to fight. Self-control means controlling the tongue! A quick retort can ruin everything.

"Don't be afraid of them," the LORD said to Joshua, "for they are already defeated! I have given them to you to destroy. Not a single one of them will be able to stand up to you."

So the sun stopped in the heavens and stayed there for almost twenty-four hours! There has never been such a day before, and there has never been another since, when the LORD stopped the sun and moon -ALL BECAUSE OF THE PRAYER OF ONE MAN.

FEBRUARY22ND

The Kingdom of God isn't ushered in with visible signs. You won't be able to say, 'It has begun here in this place or there in that part of the country.' For the Kingdom of God is within you.

For Jehovah God is our Light and Protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will He withhold from those who walk along His paths.

...the LORD God was their inheritance. He was all they needed.

But the question is: When I, the Messiah, return, how many will I find who have faith and are praying?

But God's angry displeasure erupts as acts of human mistrust and wrongdoing and lying accumulate, as people try to put a shroud over truth. But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is! By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can't see: eternal power, for instance and the mystery of His divine being. So nobody has a good excuse. What happened was this: people knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat Him like God, refusing to worship Him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives. They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life. They traded the glory of God who holds the whole world in His hands for figurines you can buy at any roadside stand.

They know perfectly well they're spitting in God's face. And they don't care -worse, they hand out prizes to those who do the worst things best.

Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgemental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done.

In kindness He takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.

God pays no attention to what others say (or what you think) about you. He makes up His own mind.

But if God Himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of Him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won't know what we're talking about. But for you who welcome Him, in whom He dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God's terms. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, He'll do the same thing in you that He did in Jesus, bringing you alive to Himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and He does, as surely as he did in Jesus!), you are delivered from that dead life. With His Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ's! So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with Him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with Him!

FEBRUARY23RD

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God. Those who heard Him say this exclaimed, "If it is that hard, how can anyone be saved?" He replied, "God can do what men can't!"

O LORD, You are so good and kind, so ready to forgive; so full of mercy for all who ask Your aid.

For You are great, and do great miracles. You alone are God. Tell me where You want me to go and I will go there. May every fiber of my being unite in reverence to Your name. With all my heart I will praise You. I will give glory to Your name forever, for You love me so much! You are constantly so kind! You have rescued me from deepest hell.