God, I confess.
My faith is weak. My actions aren't what they should be. My words aren't chosen carefully. I don't live in reverence and fear of You. I live in fear of man and man's opinion. I live to impress, and live too depressed. I lived for the goal of getting married more than pleasing You. I wanted to be famous, I wanted to be important and I know I would've ditched You.
Take me to the Garden. Rebuild my wings, Lord. I once shone bright like a beautifully created butterfly. My wings spread out and took me where I needed. You were my wings, and I took over the flight by myself, kicking You away.
Rebuild me, God. Repair my wings. Repair my broken and dead heart. Repair my eyes. Prepare my feet. Prepare me. Make me new.
Let me live to make You known. Let me die to make You known. Let me sing to make You known. Let me walk to make You known.
Teach me how to fly again. Teach me how to love You again. Teach me freedom.
5.31.2010
4.27.2010
Fizzl'd Fruits Skittles suck. But they're good when you eat them hot.
ANYWAYS.
This is probably going to be very simple, direct, a little bit angry, and said with tears.
I'm freaking tired of seeing other people living my dream.
I don't remember what it is to have dreams because I'm so busy watching other people live theirs.
I want to go, but I just stay.
I want to sing, but I just stay quiet.
I want to dance, but I keep my feet in place.
I want to see, but I keep my eyes shut.
I want to speak, but I have glued my lips together.
I want to write, but I have cut off my hands.
I don't even remember freedom.
ANYWAYS.
This is probably going to be very simple, direct, a little bit angry, and said with tears.
I'm freaking tired of seeing other people living my dream.
I don't remember what it is to have dreams because I'm so busy watching other people live theirs.
I want to go, but I just stay.
I want to sing, but I just stay quiet.
I want to dance, but I keep my feet in place.
I want to see, but I keep my eyes shut.
I want to speak, but I have glued my lips together.
I want to write, but I have cut off my hands.
I don't even remember freedom.
3.30.2010
You must obey God rather than man if you're in awe.
-Badlands by the Psalters
This past weekend I took a wee bit of a trip to New Mexico. While there, it wasn't the most exhilirating experience of my entire life (though, past trips have been), I realized something about everywhere:
Roads.
Now, until I actually wrote the word "roads" I was originally not going to make some profound statement, but that's the way God works in me. It just hits me.
BUT! I will start off with the obvious. There are roads EVERYWHERE. It doesn't make any sense how someone could've gone all the way down Raton Pass just to explore, and then discover Ute Lake all the way out in the middle of butt no where and decide it'd be a good investment to pave roads all the way out to that point.
I mean...someone discovered that place! It's just so ridiculous to think of. Maybe you're not catching the same revelation, in which I believe you should go on a drive (right. freaking. now.) in the country and look around.
Two feet from the road isn't paved, so why didn't they pave there? How long did it take them to pave all these dang roads all the way out into the middle of NO WHERE? How much did it cost? Was is a businessman proposing it to be a good move to pave all the way out there? or was it just a farmer claiming his land? I DON'T KNOW AND IT BOGGLES MY BRAIN!
I've been out to New Mexico quite a few times, but this time it hit me. If the United States, even from the short 7 hour distance between Colorado and New Mexico, is HUGE -how much bigger is the world? And then how much bigger is the universe! And then how much bigger is GOD!
The news can make us aware of the different parts of the world, but until you're out there it doesn't make sense to accept you're small.
I'm tiny. I'm a speck. You're a speck. We specks have stories, but we specks are still tiny!
It doesn't make sense to pave roads all the way out into the middle of no where just so that one person per 20 miles can have a ranch. It doesn't make sense, but it's still there and I am so thankful for it!
Spending time on Ute Lake and seeing Mills Canyon atop a 500 foot cliff changes my perspective on things.
EPIC TRANSITION!
I don't want to spend my life following the paths of city streets. I don't want to go to the same destination as everyone. I want to drive on those back country roads, seemingly leading to no where, and occasionally off-roading it in order to find a jewel of Jesus.
Naturally this is all metaphorical for life pavement.
Maybe you want to follow in the footsteps of others and possibly make it even better than they did. Maybe you want to start where they left off.
Maybe you're like me and want to do something completely different.
Maybe you want to take the dangerous route (and if you want to be literal about it, I would suggest going here for entertainment)
I'm going to go where no one's gone before. You should consider doing the same.
-Badlands by the Psalters
This past weekend I took a wee bit of a trip to New Mexico. While there, it wasn't the most exhilirating experience of my entire life (though, past trips have been), I realized something about everywhere:
Roads.
Now, until I actually wrote the word "roads" I was originally not going to make some profound statement, but that's the way God works in me. It just hits me.
BUT! I will start off with the obvious. There are roads EVERYWHERE. It doesn't make any sense how someone could've gone all the way down Raton Pass just to explore, and then discover Ute Lake all the way out in the middle of butt no where and decide it'd be a good investment to pave roads all the way out to that point.
I mean...someone discovered that place! It's just so ridiculous to think of. Maybe you're not catching the same revelation, in which I believe you should go on a drive (right. freaking. now.) in the country and look around.
Two feet from the road isn't paved, so why didn't they pave there? How long did it take them to pave all these dang roads all the way out into the middle of NO WHERE? How much did it cost? Was is a businessman proposing it to be a good move to pave all the way out there? or was it just a farmer claiming his land? I DON'T KNOW AND IT BOGGLES MY BRAIN!
I've been out to New Mexico quite a few times, but this time it hit me. If the United States, even from the short 7 hour distance between Colorado and New Mexico, is HUGE -how much bigger is the world? And then how much bigger is the universe! And then how much bigger is GOD!
The news can make us aware of the different parts of the world, but until you're out there it doesn't make sense to accept you're small.
I'm tiny. I'm a speck. You're a speck. We specks have stories, but we specks are still tiny!
It doesn't make sense to pave roads all the way out into the middle of no where just so that one person per 20 miles can have a ranch. It doesn't make sense, but it's still there and I am so thankful for it!
Spending time on Ute Lake and seeing Mills Canyon atop a 500 foot cliff changes my perspective on things.
EPIC TRANSITION!
I don't want to spend my life following the paths of city streets. I don't want to go to the same destination as everyone. I want to drive on those back country roads, seemingly leading to no where, and occasionally off-roading it in order to find a jewel of Jesus.
Naturally this is all metaphorical for life pavement.
Maybe you want to follow in the footsteps of others and possibly make it even better than they did. Maybe you want to start where they left off.
Maybe you're like me and want to do something completely different.
Maybe you want to take the dangerous route (and if you want to be literal about it, I would suggest going here for entertainment)
I'm going to go where no one's gone before. You should consider doing the same.
3.25.2010
Life abundant...powered by Duracell.
I get in a funk every once in a while. Right now, I'm not in that funk but I long for the day where I am again.
It's an undeniable need to get rid of things. Everything. Discard waste in my life. Start new.
I'm waiting for the day I want to be quiet again. Granted, no one around me enjoys when I'm in that time, but it's so so good. I actually THINK before I say, and thus I barely say anything.
I currently fill up the air with meaningless chatter.
Just recently I cleaned my whole room. There were things I even thought of keeping because I might "one day need it"
vocabulary papers from 7th grade until my senior year, algebra homework (just in case, right?), drawings from old friends, college letters, destroyed purses, keys, stuffed animals, a six year old coconut (long story), used batteries.
You name it, I probably thought about keeping it.
I was ruled by STUFF. I was stuck by STUFF. Granted, I still have a lot of stuff laying around but I realize now it's just...stuff.
If a fire comes, I am not my piano. If a flood comes, I am not my Mozart statue. If the ground swallows my house, I'm not my old journals.
No matter how much I said it wouldn't matter to lose this stuff, I'd still mourn as though a close friend died. Call me crazy, but examine yourself and then get back to me.
The worst part is I couldn't see it! I couldn't see that I was ruled by my stuff. I didn't need this stuff at all times, but knowing the order of things and where things were at just in case meant I had control.
It didn't come in the form of normal materialism because half this stuff I got at Goodwill or from friends. Worthless things. Useless things. Cheap stuff.
I would actually risk my life in a fire for my dang Korg. Granted, yes I am a musician and that thing is the most expensive and useful thing in my entire room, but risk my life for it?! I am priceless and that thing DOES have a price.
If Jesus were to come back in this lifetime, I don't want to be one of the millions of people grabbing stuff. Heaven's got the sickest pianos ever. Why would I want something made by humans hands?!
I say this with heavy conviction:
I need to get away from it all.
I want to live in the woods and experience an "Into the Wild" lifestyle. Even for a week.
Every second I hear noise. Whether it has a positive or negative effect on my day depends on what I'm hearing...
I want to walk places. Get my feet dirty. Scuff up my knees. Climb mountainous trails. Run barefoot.
Nature is my new iPod. The wind is the atmosphere. Animal footsteps are the bassline. Rain is the melody. Thunder is the drumline.
Give me that! Give me something to sing and worship to! If even for a week...
I'm just tired of the mundane.
Yes, I love music. Yes, I love technology. Yes, I love convenience.
But I can't help but think about Jesus living today. What would He use? Would He drive (if so, He'd use His turn signal!)? Would He ride a bike (probably, because bikes are AWESOME)?
Even for a week, I want to experience that life. No tent. No transportation other than what God glued at the bottom of my legs. No extras. No home. Nothing.
Flying free.
And now I regret saying this all because I feel like I can't even do it. Like I long and want to...but then I keep thinking, "Well I'll have to plan it all out and what if it rains?"
I want to trust God. I want wisdom like Solomon. I want freedom like Jesus. I want mission like Moses. I want revelation like Paul.
I want life and life abundant. Even if I have to go it alone.
It's an undeniable need to get rid of things. Everything. Discard waste in my life. Start new.
I'm waiting for the day I want to be quiet again. Granted, no one around me enjoys when I'm in that time, but it's so so good. I actually THINK before I say, and thus I barely say anything.
I currently fill up the air with meaningless chatter.
Just recently I cleaned my whole room. There were things I even thought of keeping because I might "one day need it"
vocabulary papers from 7th grade until my senior year, algebra homework (just in case, right?), drawings from old friends, college letters, destroyed purses, keys, stuffed animals, a six year old coconut (long story), used batteries.
You name it, I probably thought about keeping it.
I was ruled by STUFF. I was stuck by STUFF. Granted, I still have a lot of stuff laying around but I realize now it's just...stuff.
If a fire comes, I am not my piano. If a flood comes, I am not my Mozart statue. If the ground swallows my house, I'm not my old journals.
No matter how much I said it wouldn't matter to lose this stuff, I'd still mourn as though a close friend died. Call me crazy, but examine yourself and then get back to me.
The worst part is I couldn't see it! I couldn't see that I was ruled by my stuff. I didn't need this stuff at all times, but knowing the order of things and where things were at just in case meant I had control.
It didn't come in the form of normal materialism because half this stuff I got at Goodwill or from friends. Worthless things. Useless things. Cheap stuff.
I would actually risk my life in a fire for my dang Korg. Granted, yes I am a musician and that thing is the most expensive and useful thing in my entire room, but risk my life for it?! I am priceless and that thing DOES have a price.
If Jesus were to come back in this lifetime, I don't want to be one of the millions of people grabbing stuff. Heaven's got the sickest pianos ever. Why would I want something made by humans hands?!
I say this with heavy conviction:
I need to get away from it all.
I want to live in the woods and experience an "Into the Wild" lifestyle. Even for a week.
Every second I hear noise. Whether it has a positive or negative effect on my day depends on what I'm hearing...
I want to walk places. Get my feet dirty. Scuff up my knees. Climb mountainous trails. Run barefoot.
Nature is my new iPod. The wind is the atmosphere. Animal footsteps are the bassline. Rain is the melody. Thunder is the drumline.
Give me that! Give me something to sing and worship to! If even for a week...
I'm just tired of the mundane.
Yes, I love music. Yes, I love technology. Yes, I love convenience.
But I can't help but think about Jesus living today. What would He use? Would He drive (if so, He'd use His turn signal!)? Would He ride a bike (probably, because bikes are AWESOME)?
Even for a week, I want to experience that life. No tent. No transportation other than what God glued at the bottom of my legs. No extras. No home. Nothing.
Flying free.
And now I regret saying this all because I feel like I can't even do it. Like I long and want to...but then I keep thinking, "Well I'll have to plan it all out and what if it rains?"
I want to trust God. I want wisdom like Solomon. I want freedom like Jesus. I want mission like Moses. I want revelation like Paul.
I want life and life abundant. Even if I have to go it alone.
3.16.2010
I will start off with lyrics from Take It Back!
Hollow Eyes:
From the window of my middle class home I watch a man as he sits alone in the dirty streets. The cardboard under his feet screams about all his cold nights spent alone. People pass but no one seems to notice...his empty hands, hollow eyes, broken soul, and his need, need, need for just one person to care... So which of these words will bring him comfort? It is sympathy not empathy I feel as I sit and watch from my suburban castle. Living a life I will never know, I saw a man walking through the snow. For this lonely man the picture in his hand is all that’s left of the life that he used to know. The time goes by but no one seems to notice...his empty hands, hollow eyes, broken soul, and his need, need, need for just one person to care. So which of these words will bring him comfort? Cause it’s sympathy not empathy I feel as I sit and watch from my suburban castle... And now I realize that all of this means nothing without action. I will not just sing. I refuse to just sing songs about how hard life can be, while others lead lives that are more difficult than anything I can ever imagine. I’ll be a source of light in this dark world, a catalyst in this stagnant generation. I will use love to overcome this dark world...love to overcome this dark world.
I would suggest you go listen to it =)
But on to the reason of this blog...PLANS
I find myself sitting in one of five locations every day.
I'm either on my chair, on my bed, on the single seater downstairs, in my car, or the back row of the WPC.
I'm always sitting. Sitting sitting sitting. If I walk or drive somewhere, it's usually to go and sit. Granted, I'll be doing something along with that sitting, but it still remains that I am in a seated position.
I am so stationary. I can feel my spirit walking off without me. Dreaming about where it could be headed, who it could be talking to or impacting. My spirit longs for interaction. And yet here I am...sitting.
"Well, get up and do something"
Such a simple command and yet so freaking difficult to perform.
I feel stuck. I feel ambitious, but stuck.
I dream of salvation's and venues and planes and England and dirty feet and rejects and random houses and worship and the coming Kingdom!
But I'm just sitting. I don't know how to do it. I feel so incapable to even stand up. Literally and metaphorically. I am Nehemiah and I see a great need. I can't keep waiting to receive dreams like Joseph or hear a voice like Moses. What I didn't allow God to say was, "your call is different."
I mean, I'm a dreamer. I dream BIG and LOUD and a LOT. I kept dreaming other people's dreams and expecting that to be my life call. I dreamed of money and certain regions of the world because that's what I thought I had to dream about.
I was so bent on becoming what everyone else was so that I would "live radical" but still live like everyone else.
It's like, "you're unique! Just like everyone else..."
This past week I was having a particularly hard time with this concept of being like Nehemiah and being allowed to go after the needs I, personally, see that maybe other people aren't equipped for.
During my daily reading on Sunday I came across these verses:
"Help me to prefer obedience to making money! Turn me away from wanting any other plan than Yours. Revive my heart toward You. Reassure me that Your promises are for me, for I trust and revere You." Psalm119.36-38
"We can make our plans, but the final outcome is in God's hands. We can always 'prove' that we are right, but is the LORD convinced? Commit your work to the LORD, then it will succeed." Proverbs16.1-3
Half of me wanted to throw my Bible across the room, and the other half wanted to crack up. I chose to crack up.
I mean, I can NOT do this alone. It's too big of a job for me to accomplish this dream I have. I can't do it. Then came along Romans4 and kicked me in the butt:
"...But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust Him to do it -you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked - well, that trusting-Him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift." (verses 4 and 5)
I keep wanting to say that I'm too dumb to accomplish this. But in actuality, if I were smarter and more skilled in the art of math or some crap like that, God would probably have me make buildings or million dollar homes and strategically place Bible verses on the insides of their walls or their toilet seats. If I were smarter and had different passion I would have a different call on my life. What a freaking revelation, huh?
But I am who I am. I'm not book smart, I'm not math smart, I'm not intellectual, I'm not a cook, I'm not a salesperson, I'm not physically strong, I'm not model material, I'm not an actress, I'm not an entrepreneur, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a pastor, I'm not a worship leader, I'm not an American Idol (ughhhh), I'm not a slave to society. I'm just not. I bury those dreams other people had for me and I'm going to move on.
"In kindness He takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life change" Romans2.4b
I've been so comfortable under this blanket of discomfort. I throw my dreams aside in order to refuse a life so beyond radical. I've allowed myself to live a mundane life, attempting to make something I, personally, can not make adventurous.
Of course, reader, your adventure looks so much different than mine. The life that I don't want, could very well be the life you long for! Not for being "safe" and "boring" but because YOU find it radical and inspiring.
That's the beauty of it! WE'RE DIFFERENT. Holy crap, I said it. We're different.
God uses societal-proclaimed idiots to change the world. God uses geniuses to change the medical field. God uses outstanding personalities to change television. God uses landscapers to enhance the beauty He is in a front yard. God uses athletes to run for a cause.
I want my prayers to be as powerful as Joshua's. I want to make vows to God on what big things I'm going to do in life and keep those vows by trusting Him to do it. I want to deny a grave-tending life and live adventurously expectant (Romans8.15 in the message)! I'm going to love the LORD and follow His plans for my life (Joshua22.5b). I'm going to allow God to teach me to number my days and recognize how few they are (Psalm90.12).
"Leave your impoverished confusion and live! Walk up the street to a life with meaning." Proverbs9.6
Seriously guys, if you feel ANYTHING in this just makes sense to you, if you have the same cry...let me know.
I'm choosing to live.
Hollow Eyes:
From the window of my middle class home I watch a man as he sits alone in the dirty streets. The cardboard under his feet screams about all his cold nights spent alone. People pass but no one seems to notice...his empty hands, hollow eyes, broken soul, and his need, need, need for just one person to care... So which of these words will bring him comfort? It is sympathy not empathy I feel as I sit and watch from my suburban castle. Living a life I will never know, I saw a man walking through the snow. For this lonely man the picture in his hand is all that’s left of the life that he used to know. The time goes by but no one seems to notice...his empty hands, hollow eyes, broken soul, and his need, need, need for just one person to care. So which of these words will bring him comfort? Cause it’s sympathy not empathy I feel as I sit and watch from my suburban castle... And now I realize that all of this means nothing without action. I will not just sing. I refuse to just sing songs about how hard life can be, while others lead lives that are more difficult than anything I can ever imagine. I’ll be a source of light in this dark world, a catalyst in this stagnant generation. I will use love to overcome this dark world...love to overcome this dark world.
I would suggest you go listen to it =)
But on to the reason of this blog...PLANS
I find myself sitting in one of five locations every day.
I'm either on my chair, on my bed, on the single seater downstairs, in my car, or the back row of the WPC.
I'm always sitting. Sitting sitting sitting. If I walk or drive somewhere, it's usually to go and sit. Granted, I'll be doing something along with that sitting, but it still remains that I am in a seated position.
I am so stationary. I can feel my spirit walking off without me. Dreaming about where it could be headed, who it could be talking to or impacting. My spirit longs for interaction. And yet here I am...sitting.
"Well, get up and do something"
Such a simple command and yet so freaking difficult to perform.
I feel stuck. I feel ambitious, but stuck.
I dream of salvation's and venues and planes and England and dirty feet and rejects and random houses and worship and the coming Kingdom!
But I'm just sitting. I don't know how to do it. I feel so incapable to even stand up. Literally and metaphorically. I am Nehemiah and I see a great need. I can't keep waiting to receive dreams like Joseph or hear a voice like Moses. What I didn't allow God to say was, "your call is different."
I mean, I'm a dreamer. I dream BIG and LOUD and a LOT. I kept dreaming other people's dreams and expecting that to be my life call. I dreamed of money and certain regions of the world because that's what I thought I had to dream about.
I was so bent on becoming what everyone else was so that I would "live radical" but still live like everyone else.
It's like, "you're unique! Just like everyone else..."
This past week I was having a particularly hard time with this concept of being like Nehemiah and being allowed to go after the needs I, personally, see that maybe other people aren't equipped for.
During my daily reading on Sunday I came across these verses:
"Help me to prefer obedience to making money! Turn me away from wanting any other plan than Yours. Revive my heart toward You. Reassure me that Your promises are for me, for I trust and revere You." Psalm119.36-38
"We can make our plans, but the final outcome is in God's hands. We can always 'prove' that we are right, but is the LORD convinced? Commit your work to the LORD, then it will succeed." Proverbs16.1-3
Half of me wanted to throw my Bible across the room, and the other half wanted to crack up. I chose to crack up.
I mean, I can NOT do this alone. It's too big of a job for me to accomplish this dream I have. I can't do it. Then came along Romans4 and kicked me in the butt:
"...But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust Him to do it -you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked - well, that trusting-Him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift." (verses 4 and 5)
I keep wanting to say that I'm too dumb to accomplish this. But in actuality, if I were smarter and more skilled in the art of math or some crap like that, God would probably have me make buildings or million dollar homes and strategically place Bible verses on the insides of their walls or their toilet seats. If I were smarter and had different passion I would have a different call on my life. What a freaking revelation, huh?
But I am who I am. I'm not book smart, I'm not math smart, I'm not intellectual, I'm not a cook, I'm not a salesperson, I'm not physically strong, I'm not model material, I'm not an actress, I'm not an entrepreneur, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a pastor, I'm not a worship leader, I'm not an American Idol (ughhhh), I'm not a slave to society. I'm just not. I bury those dreams other people had for me and I'm going to move on.
"In kindness He takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life change" Romans2.4b
I've been so comfortable under this blanket of discomfort. I throw my dreams aside in order to refuse a life so beyond radical. I've allowed myself to live a mundane life, attempting to make something I, personally, can not make adventurous.
Of course, reader, your adventure looks so much different than mine. The life that I don't want, could very well be the life you long for! Not for being "safe" and "boring" but because YOU find it radical and inspiring.
That's the beauty of it! WE'RE DIFFERENT. Holy crap, I said it. We're different.
God uses societal-proclaimed idiots to change the world. God uses geniuses to change the medical field. God uses outstanding personalities to change television. God uses landscapers to enhance the beauty He is in a front yard. God uses athletes to run for a cause.
I want my prayers to be as powerful as Joshua's. I want to make vows to God on what big things I'm going to do in life and keep those vows by trusting Him to do it. I want to deny a grave-tending life and live adventurously expectant (Romans8.15 in the message)! I'm going to love the LORD and follow His plans for my life (Joshua22.5b). I'm going to allow God to teach me to number my days and recognize how few they are (Psalm90.12).
"Leave your impoverished confusion and live! Walk up the street to a life with meaning." Proverbs9.6
Seriously guys, if you feel ANYTHING in this just makes sense to you, if you have the same cry...let me know.
I'm choosing to live.
3.05.2010
2.28.2010
Hokey Pokey
I don't want to sit here and accuse people. I don't want to sulk in my anger. I don't want to speak with contempt towards something meant to equip me.
But then again maybe I want to. Maybe I should just say "I shouldn't" rather than "I don't want to"
Last time I checked I'm a sinner. Redeemed? Yes. No longer human? Not exactly.
I feel like I've said this a billion times before, but here goes a billion and one:
I AM NOT MEANT TO BE A ROBOT!
so get your dang tools off me...
Have you realized we're all being equipped for the Kingdom of God as it is now for the Kingdom of God yet to be revealed?
I love the song by Deluge Band where it says, "We won't be satisfied with anything ordinary. We won't be satisfied at all! Open up the sky, fall down like rain! We don't want blessing, we want You."
Do we? I mean, fine...I'll stop talking to you. Do I?!
The last time I checked I have been satisfied. I have filled myself up with puff rather than let God fill me up.
Back to my question: Have you realized we're all being equipped for the Kingdom of God as it is now for the Kingdom of God yet to be revealed?
So why are we making everyone a hand? (1Corinthians12.15) I feel like that freaking foot.
I have been told what to care for, who to have a heart for, and what orphans to take care of so long as I call myself a member of the church.
I'm not bitter. I am angry. I SAID IT! I am angry.
I have received glares from people whom I'm supposed to trust because I don't have a heart for the same thing they do.
Corina's mom made me feel like a million bucks just by simply stating (which she didn't realize how long I've studied what she said), "Not everyone has a heart for the same thing. I love the youth, but that doesn't mean you have to have the same heart for them."
When she said that statement it didn't sit well with me. I had all this conflicting information within me. I had all this experience with leadership giving me steps on being a leader and...well...that's pretty much it.
1.) Love people
2.) Get involved with youth leadership
3.) Smile off your uncertainty
I have had to spend the past two months breaking off the bondage of that crap! Who knew it would do so much damage?
I don't even know what I have a heart for any longer because I had all these people telling me what's the best route to achieve what they want for my life!
I felt like I had to love all these things everyone around me loved just to fit in.
Joshua22.5 says, "Love the LORD and follow His plans for your lives. Cling to Him and serve Him enthusiastically."
I stopped being enthusiastic a long time ago. I realized I had this huge disinterest in everything I "loved" and "had a heart for" but I pressed on because it was what I was supposed to do. It was just a bump in the road for me, and the reason God wasn't blessing me with this incredible sense of urgency for high school and middle school students was from something I must've done. I probably just needed to continue on down this road and repent of every second I went over the speed limit or for every time I farted in school and blamed it on someone else. I mean, I had to have done something wrong because I was convinced God just didn't like me!
Not that He hated me...oh no. I would always tell myself God loves me no matter what I do. But like me? Not so much.
The unconditional statement (not action) of love and the conditional like was all too familiar for me. I knew it better than the back of my hand...but that's only because I don't know many people who are intimately in love with the back of their hand so much that they must stare at it and know it so much. But that's another story entirely...
This isn't to be like "You dang Christian's! It's all your fault I'm confused right now!" No. I'm one of those "dang Christian's" because I don't believe it's proper for believers of Yahweh to say that about anyone living under the title "Christian"
Some of us are radical. Some of us are trapped. Some of us run around screaming in the woods. Some of us see into the spiritual realm. Some of us refuse a Heaven. Some of us pray when we need something. Some of us never stop praying. Some of us have caught the revelation of freedom. Some of us still believe in life unabundant before the Cross.
That's where the hands of Christ are. That's where you'll find the feet. That's where you'll find the liver and the heart and the brain and the large intestine and the gall bladder and the kidneys and the biceps and kneecaps and thighs of the body of Christ.
Some wrists are still chained!
Some ankles are still in shackles!
Some eyes are still blind!
Some ears are still deaf!
Why? Because we haven't fully grasped that not everyone is the same. We love the same God, but rarely in the same way.
Look for the "Dancing Man" (pardon me for not knowing his actual name) on Sunday mornings in the front of section 8, or on the left front side of Revival Town. He loves God with dance. Look for the man playing with his child outside of section 10 with a pink and green bouncy ball. He loves God by allowing his wife to enjoy worship while he calms his fussy child outside. Look for any pastor preaching a message. They love God by following a call from Christ to preach the Good News! Look for the weeping women. They love God with their tears. Look for the musician. They love God with their music.
Then look outside of the church. I don't personally know any of these people I've seen. NOT ONE. Do they still dance? play? serve? preach? cry? sing?
We call a building the church when in actuality, absent of its people, there is no church, because there is no body. There are no human forms making up the body of Christ, called the TEMPLE OF GOD (aka the church) making up the x amount of walls within this building.
You can't do church because you just are. You are the church because you are a part of the body of Christ.
I mean, I know I've heard it a billion times but never understood it. The building is not the church, I am the church. You are the church. Your friend is the church. Your mom and dad are the church. That annoying kid in freshman hallway is the church.
If we're living for a Kingdom not of this world, how come we're living just like the ones living for this one?
We're not meant for the mundane life! And we're certainly not meant for the same life!
Some of you will live long. Some of you will die young. Some of you will be prosperous. Some of you won't have a dime to your name. Some of you will travel. Some of you will stay put and impact your town. Some of you will build homes for orphans and widows. Some of you will build homes for millionaires. Some of you will run for office. Some of you will protest the government. Some of you will marry. Some of you will not. Some of you will experience parenthood. Some of you may become the mother or father of 100 orphans. Some of you will kill materialism. Some of you will build businesses. Some of you will be youth pastors or senior pastors. Some of you will sing hope to atheists. Some of you will be killed for your faith. Some of you will lay down your life daily for the cause of Christ. Some of you will rescue prostitutes. Some of you will become the janitor of a high school and lead a revival there.
So if we aren't all hands, why do we live as such. What a weird looking body, huh? Our feet trying to transform into hands and our liver and even our butt! Christ doesn't look weird. He does weird things, yes (weird by the fact of how countercultural He is) but He doesn't look weird. He's beautiful. He IS beauty. He is He is He IS! A person consisting only of hands probably wouldn't be that beautiful...
So stop making the church that way! Seriously, I can't tell you how freeing it was to realize I wasn't the same part as you, dear reader. I don't know where I go from here, but the fact that I'm free from the chains of mundane life and routine means I'm finally open and breathing easy the plans God has for me. So free yourself! If you have a heart for high school students THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for the homeless THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for prophecy THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for the arts THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for orphans THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for serving THEN DO IT!
Whatever your unique gift, spiritual or just plain talent, ask God how He will use it! And don't just go with the flow of things. Paddle against the current. You'll get nice muscles.
It is terrifying to step out in faith on the things God wants us to do. We are young. People will hate you for it. People will probably tell you to get a high-paying job (which isn't a bad thing...but if it's not your call don't sell yourself!) find a spouse, pop out a few, and die.
Which, like my last post reminded you: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE! What are you living for?
"Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are; help us to spend them as we should." Psalm90.12
But then again maybe I want to. Maybe I should just say "I shouldn't" rather than "I don't want to"
Last time I checked I'm a sinner. Redeemed? Yes. No longer human? Not exactly.
I feel like I've said this a billion times before, but here goes a billion and one:
I AM NOT MEANT TO BE A ROBOT!
so get your dang tools off me...
Have you realized we're all being equipped for the Kingdom of God as it is now for the Kingdom of God yet to be revealed?
I love the song by Deluge Band where it says, "We won't be satisfied with anything ordinary. We won't be satisfied at all! Open up the sky, fall down like rain! We don't want blessing, we want You."
Do we? I mean, fine...I'll stop talking to you. Do I?!
The last time I checked I have been satisfied. I have filled myself up with puff rather than let God fill me up.
Back to my question: Have you realized we're all being equipped for the Kingdom of God as it is now for the Kingdom of God yet to be revealed?
So why are we making everyone a hand? (1Corinthians12.15) I feel like that freaking foot.
I have been told what to care for, who to have a heart for, and what orphans to take care of so long as I call myself a member of the church.
I'm not bitter. I am angry. I SAID IT! I am angry.
I have received glares from people whom I'm supposed to trust because I don't have a heart for the same thing they do.
Corina's mom made me feel like a million bucks just by simply stating (which she didn't realize how long I've studied what she said), "Not everyone has a heart for the same thing. I love the youth, but that doesn't mean you have to have the same heart for them."
When she said that statement it didn't sit well with me. I had all this conflicting information within me. I had all this experience with leadership giving me steps on being a leader and...well...that's pretty much it.
1.) Love people
2.) Get involved with youth leadership
3.) Smile off your uncertainty
I have had to spend the past two months breaking off the bondage of that crap! Who knew it would do so much damage?
I don't even know what I have a heart for any longer because I had all these people telling me what's the best route to achieve what they want for my life!
I felt like I had to love all these things everyone around me loved just to fit in.
Joshua22.5 says, "Love the LORD and follow His plans for your lives. Cling to Him and serve Him enthusiastically."
I stopped being enthusiastic a long time ago. I realized I had this huge disinterest in everything I "loved" and "had a heart for" but I pressed on because it was what I was supposed to do. It was just a bump in the road for me, and the reason God wasn't blessing me with this incredible sense of urgency for high school and middle school students was from something I must've done. I probably just needed to continue on down this road and repent of every second I went over the speed limit or for every time I farted in school and blamed it on someone else. I mean, I had to have done something wrong because I was convinced God just didn't like me!
Not that He hated me...oh no. I would always tell myself God loves me no matter what I do. But like me? Not so much.
The unconditional statement (not action) of love and the conditional like was all too familiar for me. I knew it better than the back of my hand...but that's only because I don't know many people who are intimately in love with the back of their hand so much that they must stare at it and know it so much. But that's another story entirely...
This isn't to be like "You dang Christian's! It's all your fault I'm confused right now!" No. I'm one of those "dang Christian's" because I don't believe it's proper for believers of Yahweh to say that about anyone living under the title "Christian"
Some of us are radical. Some of us are trapped. Some of us run around screaming in the woods. Some of us see into the spiritual realm. Some of us refuse a Heaven. Some of us pray when we need something. Some of us never stop praying. Some of us have caught the revelation of freedom. Some of us still believe in life unabundant before the Cross.
That's where the hands of Christ are. That's where you'll find the feet. That's where you'll find the liver and the heart and the brain and the large intestine and the gall bladder and the kidneys and the biceps and kneecaps and thighs of the body of Christ.
Some wrists are still chained!
Some ankles are still in shackles!
Some eyes are still blind!
Some ears are still deaf!
Why? Because we haven't fully grasped that not everyone is the same. We love the same God, but rarely in the same way.
Look for the "Dancing Man" (pardon me for not knowing his actual name) on Sunday mornings in the front of section 8, or on the left front side of Revival Town. He loves God with dance. Look for the man playing with his child outside of section 10 with a pink and green bouncy ball. He loves God by allowing his wife to enjoy worship while he calms his fussy child outside. Look for any pastor preaching a message. They love God by following a call from Christ to preach the Good News! Look for the weeping women. They love God with their tears. Look for the musician. They love God with their music.
Then look outside of the church. I don't personally know any of these people I've seen. NOT ONE. Do they still dance? play? serve? preach? cry? sing?
We call a building the church when in actuality, absent of its people, there is no church, because there is no body. There are no human forms making up the body of Christ, called the TEMPLE OF GOD (aka the church) making up the x amount of walls within this building.
You can't do church because you just are. You are the church because you are a part of the body of Christ.
I mean, I know I've heard it a billion times but never understood it. The building is not the church, I am the church. You are the church. Your friend is the church. Your mom and dad are the church. That annoying kid in freshman hallway is the church.
If we're living for a Kingdom not of this world, how come we're living just like the ones living for this one?
We're not meant for the mundane life! And we're certainly not meant for the same life!
Some of you will live long. Some of you will die young. Some of you will be prosperous. Some of you won't have a dime to your name. Some of you will travel. Some of you will stay put and impact your town. Some of you will build homes for orphans and widows. Some of you will build homes for millionaires. Some of you will run for office. Some of you will protest the government. Some of you will marry. Some of you will not. Some of you will experience parenthood. Some of you may become the mother or father of 100 orphans. Some of you will kill materialism. Some of you will build businesses. Some of you will be youth pastors or senior pastors. Some of you will sing hope to atheists. Some of you will be killed for your faith. Some of you will lay down your life daily for the cause of Christ. Some of you will rescue prostitutes. Some of you will become the janitor of a high school and lead a revival there.
So if we aren't all hands, why do we live as such. What a weird looking body, huh? Our feet trying to transform into hands and our liver and even our butt! Christ doesn't look weird. He does weird things, yes (weird by the fact of how countercultural He is) but He doesn't look weird. He's beautiful. He IS beauty. He is He is He IS! A person consisting only of hands probably wouldn't be that beautiful...
So stop making the church that way! Seriously, I can't tell you how freeing it was to realize I wasn't the same part as you, dear reader. I don't know where I go from here, but the fact that I'm free from the chains of mundane life and routine means I'm finally open and breathing easy the plans God has for me. So free yourself! If you have a heart for high school students THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for the homeless THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for prophecy THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for the arts THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for orphans THEN DO IT! If you have a heart for serving THEN DO IT!
Whatever your unique gift, spiritual or just plain talent, ask God how He will use it! And don't just go with the flow of things. Paddle against the current. You'll get nice muscles.
It is terrifying to step out in faith on the things God wants us to do. We are young. People will hate you for it. People will probably tell you to get a high-paying job (which isn't a bad thing...but if it's not your call don't sell yourself!) find a spouse, pop out a few, and die.
Which, like my last post reminded you: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE! What are you living for?
"Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are; help us to spend them as we should." Psalm90.12
2.23.2010
Just a ton of verses
I started writing down the verses that really stuck out to me rather than just marking up the page.
This entry is what I've written in my personal journal.
FEBRUARY18TH
Beware! Don't always be wishing for what you don't have. For REAL life and REAL living are not related to how rich we are.
He will always give you all you need from day to day if you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.
But is was only with their words they followed Him, not with their hearts.
But anyone who is not aware that he is doing wrong will be punished only lightly. Much is required from those to whom much is given, for their responsibility is greater.
FEBRUARY19TH
How He loves His people -His holy ones are in His hands.
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem! The city that murders the prophets. The city that stones those sent to help her. How often I have wanted to gather your children together even as a hen protects he brood under her wings, but you wouldn't let Me.
FEBRUARY20TH
Think of it! The Ark of God, who is LORD of the whole earth, will lead you across the river.
"Come up from the riverbed." the LORD now told him to command them.
So no one can become my disciple unless he first sits down and counts his blessings -then renounces them all for Me.
FEBRUARY21ST
Rescue the poor and helpless from the grasp of evil men.
The good man wins his case by careful argument; the evil-minded only wants to fight. Self-control means controlling the tongue! A quick retort can ruin everything.
"Don't be afraid of them," the LORD said to Joshua, "for they are already defeated! I have given them to you to destroy. Not a single one of them will be able to stand up to you."
So the sun stopped in the heavens and stayed there for almost twenty-four hours! There has never been such a day before, and there has never been another since, when the LORD stopped the sun and moon -ALL BECAUSE OF THE PRAYER OF ONE MAN.
FEBRUARY22ND
The Kingdom of God isn't ushered in with visible signs. You won't be able to say, 'It has begun here in this place or there in that part of the country.' For the Kingdom of God is within you.
For Jehovah God is our Light and Protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will He withhold from those who walk along His paths.
...the LORD God was their inheritance. He was all they needed.
But the question is: When I, the Messiah, return, how many will I find who have faith and are praying?
But God's angry displeasure erupts as acts of human mistrust and wrongdoing and lying accumulate, as people try to put a shroud over truth. But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is! By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can't see: eternal power, for instance and the mystery of His divine being. So nobody has a good excuse. What happened was this: people knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat Him like God, refusing to worship Him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives. They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life. They traded the glory of God who holds the whole world in His hands for figurines you can buy at any roadside stand.
They know perfectly well they're spitting in God's face. And they don't care -worse, they hand out prizes to those who do the worst things best.
Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgemental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done.
In kindness He takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.
God pays no attention to what others say (or what you think) about you. He makes up His own mind.
But if God Himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of Him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won't know what we're talking about. But for you who welcome Him, in whom He dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God's terms. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, He'll do the same thing in you that He did in Jesus, bringing you alive to Himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and He does, as surely as he did in Jesus!), you are delivered from that dead life. With His Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ's! So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with Him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with Him!
FEBRUARY23RD
It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God. Those who heard Him say this exclaimed, "If it is that hard, how can anyone be saved?" He replied, "God can do what men can't!"
O LORD, You are so good and kind, so ready to forgive; so full of mercy for all who ask Your aid.
For You are great, and do great miracles. You alone are God. Tell me where You want me to go and I will go there. May every fiber of my being unite in reverence to Your name. With all my heart I will praise You. I will give glory to Your name forever, for You love me so much! You are constantly so kind! You have rescued me from deepest hell.
This entry is what I've written in my personal journal.
FEBRUARY18TH
Beware! Don't always be wishing for what you don't have. For REAL life and REAL living are not related to how rich we are.
He will always give you all you need from day to day if you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.
But is was only with their words they followed Him, not with their hearts.
But anyone who is not aware that he is doing wrong will be punished only lightly. Much is required from those to whom much is given, for their responsibility is greater.
FEBRUARY19TH
How He loves His people -His holy ones are in His hands.
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem! The city that murders the prophets. The city that stones those sent to help her. How often I have wanted to gather your children together even as a hen protects he brood under her wings, but you wouldn't let Me.
FEBRUARY20TH
Think of it! The Ark of God, who is LORD of the whole earth, will lead you across the river.
"Come up from the riverbed." the LORD now told him to command them.
So no one can become my disciple unless he first sits down and counts his blessings -then renounces them all for Me.
FEBRUARY21ST
Rescue the poor and helpless from the grasp of evil men.
The good man wins his case by careful argument; the evil-minded only wants to fight. Self-control means controlling the tongue! A quick retort can ruin everything.
"Don't be afraid of them," the LORD said to Joshua, "for they are already defeated! I have given them to you to destroy. Not a single one of them will be able to stand up to you."
So the sun stopped in the heavens and stayed there for almost twenty-four hours! There has never been such a day before, and there has never been another since, when the LORD stopped the sun and moon -ALL BECAUSE OF THE PRAYER OF ONE MAN.
FEBRUARY22ND
The Kingdom of God isn't ushered in with visible signs. You won't be able to say, 'It has begun here in this place or there in that part of the country.' For the Kingdom of God is within you.
For Jehovah God is our Light and Protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will He withhold from those who walk along His paths.
...the LORD God was their inheritance. He was all they needed.
But the question is: When I, the Messiah, return, how many will I find who have faith and are praying?
But God's angry displeasure erupts as acts of human mistrust and wrongdoing and lying accumulate, as people try to put a shroud over truth. But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is! By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can't see: eternal power, for instance and the mystery of His divine being. So nobody has a good excuse. What happened was this: people knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat Him like God, refusing to worship Him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives. They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life. They traded the glory of God who holds the whole world in His hands for figurines you can buy at any roadside stand.
They know perfectly well they're spitting in God's face. And they don't care -worse, they hand out prizes to those who do the worst things best.
Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgemental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done.
In kindness He takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.
God pays no attention to what others say (or what you think) about you. He makes up His own mind.
But if God Himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of Him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won't know what we're talking about. But for you who welcome Him, in whom He dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God's terms. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, He'll do the same thing in you that He did in Jesus, bringing you alive to Himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and He does, as surely as he did in Jesus!), you are delivered from that dead life. With His Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ's! So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go! This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with Him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with Him!
FEBRUARY23RD
It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God. Those who heard Him say this exclaimed, "If it is that hard, how can anyone be saved?" He replied, "God can do what men can't!"
O LORD, You are so good and kind, so ready to forgive; so full of mercy for all who ask Your aid.
For You are great, and do great miracles. You alone are God. Tell me where You want me to go and I will go there. May every fiber of my being unite in reverence to Your name. With all my heart I will praise You. I will give glory to Your name forever, for You love me so much! You are constantly so kind! You have rescued me from deepest hell.
2.17.2010
There is a stirring in my heart for something greater than I.
There is a stirring in my mind for something greater than this.
There is a stirring in my spirit for something greater than life.
There is a stirring in me; become less.
I'm well planned out. And by "well planned out" I mean, I have to have every little detail before I plunge in to something, and thus I never ask any questions in order to avoid that plunge.
But that's not what God wants from me right now, or ever, is it?
Maybe this current testing of my faith has more to do with willingness than whether or not I believe.
I mean, I have knowledge, don't get me wrong. I KNOW God provides. I KNOW God is always there. But do I believe it? I'd like to think I do...
I know not to test Him. I know it. But I still do it all the time. "Hey God...if you love me, show me." When the very sunrise that morning proved His love. When the very breath in my lungs and the absence of guilt reminds me daily, no millisecondly, that HE LOVES ME!
So why, why, WHY do I doubt?
This is pretty much what my brain sounds like right now:
There is a stirring in my mind for something greater than this.
There is a stirring in my spirit for something greater than life.
There is a stirring in me; become less.
I'm well planned out. And by "well planned out" I mean, I have to have every little detail before I plunge in to something, and thus I never ask any questions in order to avoid that plunge.
But that's not what God wants from me right now, or ever, is it?
Maybe this current testing of my faith has more to do with willingness than whether or not I believe.
I mean, I have knowledge, don't get me wrong. I KNOW God provides. I KNOW God is always there. But do I believe it? I'd like to think I do...
I know not to test Him. I know it. But I still do it all the time. "Hey God...if you love me, show me." When the very sunrise that morning proved His love. When the very breath in my lungs and the absence of guilt reminds me daily, no millisecondly, that HE LOVES ME!
So why, why, WHY do I doubt?
This is pretty much what my brain sounds like right now:
Well, if faith is a God-given thing, am I supposed to stretch my faith?
Am I supposed to be waiting on You to stretch my lack of faith in You?
What if this detail doesn't work out? What if I don't have the money to do it?
What if no one goes with me, and I'm completely alone in this?
What if this really isn't You calling me to do it and I should just sit back and relax?
I wish I could sit and say God answered all my questions one by one. Instead, He just knocked them all apart by simply stating, "Just trust Me."
Ju...just...Just TRUST You!? Well...how the crap do I go abou-
Just trust Me.
Well what about all these things I haven-
Just trust Me.
Every question is answered "Just trust Me."
Frustrating, yes. Hopeful, trying to be. Doubtful, ridiculously yes. Needing God, more than ever.
I think I may have thought I tricked God into thinking I could do this all on my own. But I can't even trick Him! He knows how much I depend on Him. And since He's reading this right now,
GOD I FREAKING DEPEND ON YOU! Okay?! I get it I get it I get it! Now make me believe it.
It's been this constant nagging in my brain whether we're supposed to stretch our faith or if God does it. If we're supposed to, what does that look like? Are we supposed to go out on a limb and just do things, whether or not we heard God, in order to do stuff? Does it just mean going out on the street for treasure hunts because we all have the ability to heal? I mean WHAT THE HECK DO I DO!?
Just trust Me.
How the crap do I do that?
I mean, I grew up in a Christian home. I grew up hearing old women babbling away in some weird language (which I would later come to know as the beautiful gift of speaking in tongues). I heard it. I was around it. I didn't understand it, but I dealt with it.
After giving into the ways of the world and running back to God's arms after hating Him for six years I was all in.
Back then I believed I could do anything!
So why would knowing more of Him, and hearing more of His word make me shy away from the gifts of the Spirit?
I allowed fear of man, even Christians, to creep in and overthrow my sanity. Or wait...maybe to "keep me sane" because allowing the Holy Spirit to completely overrun your life doesn't look very sane to the average human.
I want to know that resurrections aren't just for Mexico. I want to know that jewels aren't just for every place but where I'm at. I want to see that dang gold dust. I want manna in my Bible. I want to know the persecution of being a believer.
Because all I know right now is what it's like to be told "it can't be done"
Why?!
I firmly believe the Holy Spirit is moving and alive today. Speaking in Tongues is beautiful. Interpreting Tongues is beautiful. Prophesy is beautiful. Miracles are beautiful.
So why are we settling for ugly? For the longest time I wanted anything but these gifts. I thought they were stupid and for other people because I was taught that! I was taught these gifts are for old women and their matching pale green suits.
"You're just a kid, you've got your whole life ahead of you!"
Well, then I might as well still be on drugs. I might as well be drinking away my liver. I might as well go out and sleep around with as many people as possible, man and woman, because I've got my whole life ahead of me. Sure!
PUKE!
I am just a kid, and I DO have my whole life ahead of me. I'd rather throw it at the foot of the Cross saying "Do what You will" than throwing me, a pearl of Heaven, to the swine (media, culture, careers)
I'm willing to accept I probably won't be very financially sound.
I probably won't be living too glamorous a lifestyle.
I probably will be laughed at, spit on, cursed, and beaten.
I might go months without a home.
I might preach the Gospel to those who hate it.
I might die in a car wreck in ten minutes.
I might die an old lady.
No matter what, I'm going to die.
You're going to die.
Shocking, isn't it?
If it's for Christ, I want to do it. If it's from Christ, I want it.
None of us are making it out of here alive. I'd rather live to allow light, than to stand in the shadows.
1.28.2010
(listen to "Sons of Thunder" by Sleeping Giant)
open grasp
empty clasp
much to be admitted
(but much has been omitted)
closed door
wood floor
much to be admitted
(but much has been omitted)
-end-
I don't know where my head's at. I'm in a state where I'm not quite sad, not quite happy, but not quite numb. Maybe I'm just...open. Open to anything. Open to a picture to move me, open to a phrase to anger me, open to a song to make me cry or go run ten miles. I don't know! I have this urge to write. But about what? Naturally, God.
Oh, God. What a God! What a lover! What a husband! What a Savior!
In my lifetime I have literally sold my soul to other gods. Things. Drugs. People. Blades. Boys. Lust.
Literally sold. I was totally content with living enslaved to these things. Just things. Dumb things. Petty things.
Praise God for His sacrifice! I'm reminded of a journal entry I wrote back in September.
"How dare you turn my Father's house into a market!"
I'm not for sale. I will no longer bow to the culture god. Only the living God, Yahweh, breathes.
He sees, He hears, understands, loves, and speaks to us.
I've been bought with the precious blood of Christ!
I've been ransomed. I've been kidnapped by God. I've been born again through the womb of the Holy Spirit.
I've traded with God, my life for His. I've sold myself to Him, never to be re-bought.
When I entered the market as a slave, God waited. No bid was too high.
Upwards to a million dollars, God still bid. He was determined to make me His.
Finally He cried, "My life for hers!"
Bruised, bloody, broken -He hung with open eyes, gazed upon me as if breathtakingly beautiful and worthy of love.
He came back to prove He had died, but also for me to see I could have Him at all times. No religion. No building. No curtain. No animal sacrifice. Nothing standing between me and my Love.
So how dare I turn my Father's house into a market!
I've been bought. When I re-enter the market, I re-enter a slave hood which I've been paid in full from. I am not a dog returning to it's vomit.
I have been set free from weighty chains, whips, and fire.
My slavery is to Christ. My chains are to Christ. I follow Him and Him alone.
Apart from my Master the very breath in my lungs is nothing.
How dare I re-enter the market when my Husband waits for me.
He has been waiting. I've finally returned.
Some may find it a tad blasphemous or uncomfortable to think of the Cross in a thankful light. Yes, I wish it were me hanging for my sins. Yes, I wish I was whipped to pay for my preaching. But no, I didn't pay. I didn't go through any of it because He did. I am so undeserving to have had Him pay for them. It's unimaginable that He, being sinless, looked at me, the worst sinner of them all, and said "Yeah, she's worthy of my love." WHAT?!
That's crazy talk, Jesus. I mean...have you seen what I've done in my lifetime? Have you heard what I've said and what I've thought?
Yes?
Well..bu...bu...but
No. I love you.
But what about the time when I-
No. I love you.
-Hold the phone- I mean Jesus. Right hand man to God the Father. This dude is God. The. Freaking. Son.
He created sunrise and sunset and grass and sea and animals and me and you and words and trees and C minor7 (first, second AND third inversion!) and love.
If anyone should show hate to the world it should be the Great Inventor. He should hate us for how liberally we've flung love around like it's a pile of poo. Now, that's not to say showing love to everyone is a bad thing...it's just our definition is off.
If I remember correctly (which I do) 1John4 clearly defines love.
"God IS love."
Boom roasted. Bread toasted. Whatever. Schmerrr.
So God, loving everything, living within us, moving around us, is love and loves the whole world. (translation, He GODs the whole world, which I think is kinda humorous. [oh! And did I tell you how hilarious Jesus is?!])
Quick retrace, I realize I went on a rabbit trail....God should hate us because of the liberally spreading love...which by that I mean in terms of "Oh, let's make love" sense. Make love, not war? Yeah...then war is waged against the human in the womb because of that love that just needed to be made. But this isn't about abortion. That's for a WHOLE other post.
If God waited for you to be 'good enough' to earn His love, He'd be waiting a long time and so would you.
If God could use pigs to deliver the power of His message (Mark5.13) what more will He do with you!
That was actually probably a terrible reference, but I'm making an analogy here! He's not going to send an evil spirit in you and have you plunge over a cliff. But that showed His power! And that's where I'm getting at, what more will He do with you! He'll use a message of redemption, not destruction like He did with the pigs, to show His power.
You want to part the Red Sea? If God calls you, don't delay. Go and do it in the powerful name of Jesus Christ!
Maybe it's not literally parting the Red Sea (analogy, hellllllo!) maybe your 'Red Sea' is what you're called to do.
And seriously guys, I can't stress this enough...if you have a dream to do something so astronomically bigger than the sun of some distant galaxy far far away and no one seems to believe in you, I get it. And much more than I, Jesus gets it. One gift God has given me is to believe in the unbelievable, specifically for times such as these. A time so desperate for dreamers. So if you can't find a footstool to stand on to preach in the middle of the Strip in Vegas, you can use my back to step on.
Whatever the "Strip in Vegas" looks like in your personal life...I want to believe in you. Please, please don't let your dreams die. My email is bethanyervin@hotmail.com so send me your gargantuan dreams.
Last night I wrote this prayer, and I hope it's your prayer as well...
"LORD, help me to realize how brief
my time on earth will be."
Lord, that is my plea, my cry, my outburst. I need to realize how mortal I am, how fleeting my life is. Open my eyes to see I have the right to walk in Your will, and the right to chose not to. Those are my only options! Walk in Your will or walk in my own (or Heaven forbid -satan's). I think once I grasp how short my life is, I'll realize how imperative every moment is. What (or whom) will I invest my time and my life on? What will I spend my emotions on? Who will have my affection?
Lord, if it be Your will...I will go to great lengths to see You proud of me. I cannot walk without You beside me. I cannot stand without You propping me up. I cannot breathe without Your breath in me. I cannot see without Your help removing the veil. What is Your will for my life? Where can I best use the gifts You've given me in order that I may 'fight the good fight', 'run the long race'. I'm open to Your will, thought my flesh is weak, my spirit is receptive. I don't want to continue living someone else's story. I want OUR own, Jesus!
1.25.2010
Are all our goals aligned to fame? our days aligned to corporate slavery? our weeks aligned to dissipating sanity?
We're the kings and queens of convenience and I can only imagine it should become worse. Have you ever seen Wall-E?
We are disintegrating into robots with flesh on, and I am the greatest of them all.
I must repent for my actions, my laziness, and my inaction towards my passions.
I have dreams. I mean, they're so vivid I could call them day terrors, but they aren't filled with demonic forces. Rather, they are dreams and visions of my life to come...and life quickly slipping from my grasp.
I haven't prayed for them enough in days previous. I don't pray with the authority of Jesus Christ that these things WILL come to pass.
What's your dream? Do you want to cure cancer? GO DO IT! Do you want to paint in Italy and witness to your subjects? GO DO IT! Do you want to make a difference? GO DO IT!
Now, I know proper precautions must be taken, otherwise your dream will be a fart in the wind, but what if all our precautions have become the crutch that keeps us from stepping out in faith?
I know it has for me.
"Oh, I need more money." "Oh, I need connections" "Oh, I need more talent." "Oh, I just can't really do it."
Puke.
You can do it.
Become that professional juggling street preacher you've wanted to be! Become that rug-making machine! Become that skateboarder that wins...uhm....brain fart, what's the competition called?
Whatever it is, go for it.
This phrase has been like a plague on all my conversations this week, so I guess I must put it on here:
"Our generation is more free to do what we want, but we're more scared than ever to do it."
I don't want to be apart of the Tribe of Chains. I want to walk free in my freedom. My American freedom. My generational freedom. My CHRIST freedom!
I can only imagine that what holds me back looks similar to what holds you back.
Comfort. Safety. Security. Doubt.
I once heard of a group of Monks that intentionally ate horrible food and slept on the worst beds they could find all to be more religious.
No offense, but that's a little ridiculous. Ridiculous may be a harsh word, but I can't seem to find one to suffice.
God never said you must be the most intentional person when it comes to your discomfort. Now, that's not to say in every "career" God will call you to is going to feel like silk sheets, but unless He says to you "I'm taking you somewhere and it's not going to be very comfortable..." you don't have to automatically assume God's going to make you sleep on a bed of nails and eat rat poop.
I think we, as Christians, too often know something we could absolutely NEVER see ourselves doing. Let's say the sight of blood makes you faint, does that mean that God is calling you to be a doctor? I don't think so.
I think He's asking us to use our passions, and yes sometimes the things that scare us, to advance His Kingdom.
Many times during Jesus' life you'll find in Scripture Him saying (obviously the words changing a little) "Your faith has healed you. Get up and go."
My faith in God is just starting to heal me of some serious word-wounds.
"You'll never make it." "What can you give them?" "Do you think you'll make a difference?...because you won't"
We start to believe these things and identify with them and our faith starts to shift. Once we were on fire and pumped...I don't know why I keep saying "we", from now on it's personal. Once, I was on fire and pumped to go out and subtly preach during basement shows and loving on the "rejects" of certain church buildings. I wanted to travel and I wanted to love. I wanted to sing and I wanted to worship.
Then I got a job.
Yeah, yeah. You think I might be saying a job is a bad thing...but that is not at all. However, I made my job my priority.
Over God. Over friends. Over family. Over my passion.
Pfft. Over my dead body will I allow that again!
I miss that passion. I miss that fervor for lost souls.
God finally gave it back and I'm not going to continue to "fart in the wind" as I would so elegantly put it.
I don't know what the future looks like, but regardless what it is...God's got the whole world in His hands.
So go change your city. Go change your life. Go invest in what God's doing in your friends lives. Go hard and fast after God.
Don't let your city crumble.
We're the kings and queens of convenience and I can only imagine it should become worse. Have you ever seen Wall-E?
We are disintegrating into robots with flesh on, and I am the greatest of them all.
I must repent for my actions, my laziness, and my inaction towards my passions.
I have dreams. I mean, they're so vivid I could call them day terrors, but they aren't filled with demonic forces. Rather, they are dreams and visions of my life to come...and life quickly slipping from my grasp.
I haven't prayed for them enough in days previous. I don't pray with the authority of Jesus Christ that these things WILL come to pass.
What's your dream? Do you want to cure cancer? GO DO IT! Do you want to paint in Italy and witness to your subjects? GO DO IT! Do you want to make a difference? GO DO IT!
Now, I know proper precautions must be taken, otherwise your dream will be a fart in the wind, but what if all our precautions have become the crutch that keeps us from stepping out in faith?
I know it has for me.
"Oh, I need more money." "Oh, I need connections" "Oh, I need more talent." "Oh, I just can't really do it."
Puke.
You can do it.
Become that professional juggling street preacher you've wanted to be! Become that rug-making machine! Become that skateboarder that wins...uhm....brain fart, what's the competition called?
Whatever it is, go for it.
This phrase has been like a plague on all my conversations this week, so I guess I must put it on here:
"Our generation is more free to do what we want, but we're more scared than ever to do it."
I don't want to be apart of the Tribe of Chains. I want to walk free in my freedom. My American freedom. My generational freedom. My CHRIST freedom!
I can only imagine that what holds me back looks similar to what holds you back.
Comfort. Safety. Security. Doubt.
I once heard of a group of Monks that intentionally ate horrible food and slept on the worst beds they could find all to be more religious.
No offense, but that's a little ridiculous. Ridiculous may be a harsh word, but I can't seem to find one to suffice.
God never said you must be the most intentional person when it comes to your discomfort. Now, that's not to say in every "career" God will call you to is going to feel like silk sheets, but unless He says to you "I'm taking you somewhere and it's not going to be very comfortable..." you don't have to automatically assume God's going to make you sleep on a bed of nails and eat rat poop.
I think we, as Christians, too often know something we could absolutely NEVER see ourselves doing. Let's say the sight of blood makes you faint, does that mean that God is calling you to be a doctor? I don't think so.
I think He's asking us to use our passions, and yes sometimes the things that scare us, to advance His Kingdom.
Many times during Jesus' life you'll find in Scripture Him saying (obviously the words changing a little) "Your faith has healed you. Get up and go."
My faith in God is just starting to heal me of some serious word-wounds.
"You'll never make it." "What can you give them?" "Do you think you'll make a difference?...because you won't"
We start to believe these things and identify with them and our faith starts to shift. Once we were on fire and pumped...I don't know why I keep saying "we", from now on it's personal. Once, I was on fire and pumped to go out and subtly preach during basement shows and loving on the "rejects" of certain church buildings. I wanted to travel and I wanted to love. I wanted to sing and I wanted to worship.
Then I got a job.
Yeah, yeah. You think I might be saying a job is a bad thing...but that is not at all. However, I made my job my priority.
Over God. Over friends. Over family. Over my passion.
Pfft. Over my dead body will I allow that again!
I miss that passion. I miss that fervor for lost souls.
God finally gave it back and I'm not going to continue to "fart in the wind" as I would so elegantly put it.
I don't know what the future looks like, but regardless what it is...God's got the whole world in His hands.
So go change your city. Go change your life. Go invest in what God's doing in your friends lives. Go hard and fast after God.
Don't let your city crumble.
1.24.2010
I lost communication with the purple sunset, green sunrise.
I lost communication with the mother ship, serene blunder.
I lost communication with the broken mirror, cut diamond.
I lost communication with the moldy almond, beam me up horsey!
The map in my brain isn't welcoming to the occasional passerby. However, it's totally accepting of strangers and close friends.
If the letter R defined your life how refined would you be, D?
-end randomness-
Today is the first day of the third year of my real life. Happy anniversary, Jesus!
But today started out in a ridiculous fashion. My morning looked like this:
I dreamt I was late to Women's Connect because I was stuck on a dirt road, next to a high pond, in a buggie, driving (as fast as possible) away from a pink dinosaur. So I called one of my leaders to tell her I had a sniffle and a headache like a ping pong ball so I couldn't make it.
And I promise you, I believed the dream was real.
So after waking up an hour before my alarm was set to go off, I get up, get ready, and leave in enough time to run in right when service starts...minus calculating in the possibility I might hit every red light along the way.
Hrmph.
I had about as much luck finding a parking spot as italics being called bold.
Maybe God is telling me one key thing:
SLOW THE CRAP DOWN.
Too often I would try to make things happen on my own; force relationships (dating and friendly), force careers, force love, and force God.
Maybe not just forcing God down other people's throats, but forcing God into my own heart.
Have you ever faked that your relationship with God was delicious and juicy and bright like an orange when it was really about as tasty as a railroad tie? Yup. Been there.
I want to believe that God is really all around us. Not like, "Oh hey! That tree is GOD!" because that's really stupid...but to realize God MADE that tree. God made you. God made me. I know, I know...what a freakin' revelation, right?
But do you really believe it? I'm just starting to allow God to show me when He's present. Which is always, if you didn't know already.
Side note...I get angry when people say "God showed up" like He went somewhere else? He's always there...it's when He's like, "Hey Holy Spirit...let's obliterate them with Our presence...since they're asking for it!" is when you feel that "God showed up" feeling.
I had a vision as I was falling asleep. I was in the same place with the same people saying the same prayers as one night last week and I said "Jesus come down" and I saw Him physically step through the ceiling tiles.
"What would you do?" kept running through my brain when I woke up the next day.
I mean, what would I freaking do? Like, "Oh hey, Jesus...don't mind the spiritual guns" Or would I invite Him to pray...to Himself? would I ask to wash His feet? would I die from seeing Him? would I cry? would I worship? would I be in shock?
But what's funny is this vision showed me the physical demonstration to a spiritual reality (not to steal from "Baptism's" tagline)
When you ask Jesus to come down, what do you think He does? "Awh...well...maybe tomorrow? I'm kinda tired right now..."
NO! He's like "HECK YESSSSSS! Step aside, satan, these are my kids! Oh wait...what are you doing taunting them? *sound effects of bug being squished*"
I want to be obliterated. I don't know about you, but I want to be completely obliterated by Jesus.
I know I am the target of satan's hate, but moreso of Jesus' love.
I'm overrun by love. I'm overrun by God.
I want to believe God is bigger than the galaxies. (because He is) I want to believe God is more real than all the human race. (because He is) I want to believe God is more real than fire and buildings and pencils and water and flowers. (because He is!)
I want to hear God louder than music and rushing rivers and tap dancing and twenty alarm clocks (because He knows I don't wake up for any of them) and wind on a windy day.
I want to feel God more than heat and skin and a cool breeze and a door handle.
I want Him to be a constant tickle-itch inbetween the right and left side of my brain.
Today I realized I'm a muddy boot in a sea of glass slippers.
I lost communication with the mother ship, serene blunder.
I lost communication with the broken mirror, cut diamond.
I lost communication with the moldy almond, beam me up horsey!
The map in my brain isn't welcoming to the occasional passerby. However, it's totally accepting of strangers and close friends.
If the letter R defined your life how refined would you be, D?
-end randomness-
Today is the first day of the third year of my real life. Happy anniversary, Jesus!
But today started out in a ridiculous fashion. My morning looked like this:
I dreamt I was late to Women's Connect because I was stuck on a dirt road, next to a high pond, in a buggie, driving (as fast as possible) away from a pink dinosaur. So I called one of my leaders to tell her I had a sniffle and a headache like a ping pong ball so I couldn't make it.
And I promise you, I believed the dream was real.
So after waking up an hour before my alarm was set to go off, I get up, get ready, and leave in enough time to run in right when service starts...minus calculating in the possibility I might hit every red light along the way.
Hrmph.
I had about as much luck finding a parking spot as italics being called bold.
Maybe God is telling me one key thing:
SLOW THE CRAP DOWN.
Too often I would try to make things happen on my own; force relationships (dating and friendly), force careers, force love, and force God.
Maybe not just forcing God down other people's throats, but forcing God into my own heart.
Have you ever faked that your relationship with God was delicious and juicy and bright like an orange when it was really about as tasty as a railroad tie? Yup. Been there.
I want to believe that God is really all around us. Not like, "Oh hey! That tree is GOD!" because that's really stupid...but to realize God MADE that tree. God made you. God made me. I know, I know...what a freakin' revelation, right?
But do you really believe it? I'm just starting to allow God to show me when He's present. Which is always, if you didn't know already.
Side note...I get angry when people say "God showed up" like He went somewhere else? He's always there...it's when He's like, "Hey Holy Spirit...let's obliterate them with Our presence...since they're asking for it!" is when you feel that "God showed up" feeling.
I had a vision as I was falling asleep. I was in the same place with the same people saying the same prayers as one night last week and I said "Jesus come down" and I saw Him physically step through the ceiling tiles.
"What would you do?" kept running through my brain when I woke up the next day.
I mean, what would I freaking do? Like, "Oh hey, Jesus...don't mind the spiritual guns" Or would I invite Him to pray...to Himself? would I ask to wash His feet? would I die from seeing Him? would I cry? would I worship? would I be in shock?
But what's funny is this vision showed me the physical demonstration to a spiritual reality (not to steal from "Baptism's" tagline)
When you ask Jesus to come down, what do you think He does? "Awh...well...maybe tomorrow? I'm kinda tired right now..."
NO! He's like "HECK YESSSSSS! Step aside, satan, these are my kids! Oh wait...what are you doing taunting them? *sound effects of bug being squished*"
I want to be obliterated. I don't know about you, but I want to be completely obliterated by Jesus.
I know I am the target of satan's hate, but moreso of Jesus' love.
I'm overrun by love. I'm overrun by God.
I want to believe God is bigger than the galaxies. (because He is) I want to believe God is more real than all the human race. (because He is) I want to believe God is more real than fire and buildings and pencils and water and flowers. (because He is!)
I want to hear God louder than music and rushing rivers and tap dancing and twenty alarm clocks (because He knows I don't wake up for any of them) and wind on a windy day.
I want to feel God more than heat and skin and a cool breeze and a door handle.
I want Him to be a constant tickle-itch inbetween the right and left side of my brain.
Today I realized I'm a muddy boot in a sea of glass slippers.
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